Unrapable.

Sometimes I perform this live to illustrate how funny humans are. I thought I’d post it here too: When my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, I said yes. In my near 30 years of life nobody had asked me to be in their wedding, and I was dying for an opportunity to prove […]

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It really does take up the majority of his face.

Why does everyone my age look so old lately? Is it a coincidence that bananas are always 69 cents/lb? Does my mailman think I’m smart because I get The Atlantic? Does my mailman think I’m hot because I get Women’s Health? Why do I care so much what my mailman thinks? Will I ever stop […]

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I had an audition. Thankfully, I’m still not famous.

Before today, I’d been on two auditions in my life. One was during senior year of high school when I tried out for the theater program at the University of Illinois. I had to memorize some Greek monologue, and the audition sort of went like this: Me: HARK! (hands shoot into the air) Professor nods. […]

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Catchphrases and face poisons

This morning I awoke to a familiar voice at six am. My brain was hazy, but I could tell this voice was having a party in its pants. “The party’s in Pauly D’s pants tonight,” it said. “Fresh outfit. Fresh hair. You gotta be fresh.” Oh, yes. It was my Jersey Shore Pauly D bobble […]

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Why oh why?

In case you were wondering why I come here every week, here is the answer. Right here.

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