Animals are funny too.

I went to the zoo!Is it weird that I just want to be tickled by an elephant’s trunk? Next birthday, I would please like one elephant tickling. Unless this is a weird fetish I haven’t heard of and it requires I wear crotchless panties and mauve body paint. Then forget it. Elephant butts are funny […]

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Beware of the love caused by sweater terriers.

It was a time when love mattered most: Addison, Illinois. 1990. Me. A Latin Lover with hair gelled to look like a bird’s nest. A freckly fresh-faced boy aggressive with his lips. A love triangle. The echoed hallways of Fullerton Elementary.As I debated with the Latin Lover over whether Brandon Walsh should really go for […]

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If you buy culottes at noon on a Tuesday, I will hex you.

I’m unemployed again.Yay!I was able to hold a job for three weeks.This time, I didn’t technically get fired like I did here. But my job ‘ended early,’ as they say. Actually they don’t say, but whatever. The point is that I’m back to sitting in cafes and eavesdropping. Some great quotes so far: “This song […]

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Yeah, rice. Get fluffy already.

Don’t homeless people actually seem like they really have it all? Why won’t rice just hurry up? Why don’t people call TV ‘the boob tube’ so much anymore? I wish they did. If my last name was ‘Case,’ would I be hilarious or horrible for naming my son ‘Justin?’ Do hand models get to skip […]

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I’m naked.

Yeah. It’s true. I’m writing this naked. I’m telling you this not in an aw-yeah-baby-I’m-naked kinda way, but in more of a yippee-I’m-untethered-by-clothes kinda way. More than that, I’m also poolside, eating a monstrous slice of melting red velvet cake, and reading a gossip magazine under the fluttering hummingbirds and spotlight sun of serene Palm […]

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