My love purse is a penny pincher

Some people in Venice who see me often may not believe I shower every day. But I do. And today I was sudsing up when, clink, a penny fell out of nowhere. It dropped like soap onto my shower floor. This freaked me out. It’s not like there are shelves overhead where I keep my […]

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I would rather stuff myself in a duffle bag and be dragged around by a homeless man for weeks.

I have to admit I was slightly pissed when I heard the Osama bin laden news. Totally ruined my plan. I wanted to find Osama bin Laden. I was going to wait a few years until he got a little older and frailer. Then I figured I’d use my wit and charm and love of […]

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Exclusive Interview: a Humans are Funny first

After waiting thirty minutes in the lobby of the Marina del Rey Ritz Carlton, I called God’s cell phone. He had let his spa massage go too long and was rushing to meet me. As he settled in across from me on the crisp leather loveseat, I made note of a tiny hole in the […]

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Do you think the Stegosaurus ordered special meals on planes?

In my mere thirty years on this planet, I have had lots of boyfriends. LOTS. Like, hundreds. First one: Pat McGovern, 1st grade. We were in different classrooms, but we each took a casual stroll to the bathrooms at the same time. He leaned his three-foot-two body against the pink tiled wall and waited for […]

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Let’s all move to Denmark. And never change our pants.

I wear the same clothes almost every day. I have a few shirts and three pairs of Forever XXI jeans I got for $9.50 each (Sorry, child laborers. But not that sorry.). I am happy to sport this minimalist wardrobe because this frugal life choice has led me to revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. Last week, […]

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