Your brain is full of pipes and coins.

I went on a date with a scientist about two years ago. It was like any normal date except we spent the night debating whether or not humans have free will. I have to say it was good first date fodder. I mean, how many fucking times can you really talk about where you’re from? […]

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I can unbend you, Bender.

My problems with men started in 1985. I was five. I watched The Breakfast Club, and there was Judd Nelson. He was tough, misunderstood, rough around the edges. And there I was, in my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas: innocent, blonde, with chocolate on my face. I wanted him. Because I was sure I could change him. […]

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…and then the shoelaces tied themselves around a bird and then 5,000 spoons came out of nowhere and then I woke up.

I have poison ivy. It’s between my fingers, in my collarbone, lining my bikini area (don’t ask) and swarming my ankles. It feels like my skin is trying to crawl off my bones while angsty fire ants puke into my pores. But poison ivy is a weird thing to have. It’s Bubonic plague-ish in that […]

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I’m a beaver beacon. A large one.

I have become a beacon for those curious about vaginas. This is not where I thought my life would take me, but somehow I’m here. It’s not a bad spot. I could be a beacon for feces eaters or hatemongers or artichoke whisperers. But, nope. It’s curious coochie searchers. I found this out when I […]

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Thanks, Racism.

When I was a kid, I went to my friend’s house and heard her dad complaining about the ‘mulanyans.’ The “fucking mulanyans.” I had no idea what that meant, so I asked my friend while we were playing Barbies. She whispered as if it were a sin to say it: black people. The Urban Dictionary […]

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