Animal Style

Regardless of religion or politics, I think we can all agree that humans are animals. I’m not saying we evolved from chimps. I’m simply saying we are alive. We have to eat and shit to stay alive. We have body hair. Sometimes we don’t smell good. When we strip away our brand names, electronic devices, and double ovens… we’re not that different from dogs. Or monkeys. Or llamas. We are animals. We just happened to have been the first ones to grow attached to a telephone or a toilet or living under roofs. Still, we are animals.

Humans are animals.
And animals have sex.

Dogs do it so much in front of humans that we’ve copied them. I’ve seen frogs do it. I’ve seen flies do it mid-air. And it’s often acceptable for humans IN MOVIES to have sex. But when it comes to regular people, it has become part of our culture to deny our sexual endeavors.

I felt compelled to write about fucking when I opened the news the other day. It was filled with articles whose subtexts were brimming with sex. The pope has told nuns they can’t support women who’ve fucked. Some fella with a microphone called women who want birth control sluts. Catholic organizations are pissed they need to give birth control to their employees, who they assure us are not fucking before marriage. Parents don’t want to give the HPV vaccine to their non-fucking teens. A man who wants to be the president of our country will end aid to Planned Parenthood because only bad people who fuck need help with sexual health. And everyone is up in arms because some secret service agents got fucked in Colombia (I’m only upset about the haggling. Come on, dude. Just pay the lady.).

If aliens read our news, they’d think we were really repressed and using news outlets as the only way to talk about sex.

And maybe we are. The majority of people in the news are claiming that nobody is having sex, and if they are, it’s only once in a while to procreate normally with their beloved partners. They’re saying that only bad people really need birth control or HPV vaccines or prostitutes or to help anyone who has ever had an unwed penis near their vaginal cavity (or vice versa, but the news really seems to hate on women).

I just want to remind everyone here once again: WE ARE ANIMALS.
Sex is part of our animal instinct. We’ve been able to push down our natural instinct to walk around naked, but we haven’t gotten rid of our urge to fuck. And we won’t. Because it’s part of our animal lives. It is in our DNA. Our basic skills. Our natural body makeup. We are supposed to fuck. That’s just how it is. Of course sex was originally meant for procreation, but extra bedrooms have grown expensive and nobody really wants 18 babies anymore. Still, the animal urge is there and we all want to fuck. And that’s okay.

I don’t recommend we all just go fuck willy nilly, get pregnant, and have the government pay for our abortions. I’m simply saying that sex is a natural instinct, and we shouldn’t be looked down upon or called sluts just because we’re acting like the animals that we are.

Sometimes, Mr. Pope, I wish we weren’t so animalistic. I wish we weren’t programmed to pro-create so much. I’d like less traffic on the 405. I’d like to not want to fuck every Starbuck’s employee during my monthly hormonal tidal wave. I wish we were all easily programmed to have really passionate sex just once a year like those turtles that lay eggs on a beach like clockwork. That way we could plan for the special night. We’d only have to remove leg hair once a year, and pregnancy scares would happen all together. But we’re not that kind of animal. WE ARE THE OTHER KIND. We’re like lions and tigers. We roar. We scratch (depending). We even do some other weird shit we pick up from our childhoods that we would never tell anyone about. It’s because we are programmed to do so. We are programmed to get horny, see another person, and want to fuck them. It is a natural part of life. What I’m saying is: IT’S OKAY TO FUCK. And everybody is doing it.

Yes, Mr. Pope, I’m sorry to break it to you: WE ARE ALL FUCKING.
Women are fucking. Gay people are fucking. Secret service agents are fucking. People who aren’t married are fucking. Teens are fucking. Our parents are fucking. Teachers are fucking. Even Republicans are fucking. (note: okay, some people aren’t fucking, but that’s because they’re on depression meds, adhere to strict religious code, secretly hate their husbands, have lost their libidos, are old and sick of fucking, or are just waiting for the ‘right guy’ and dying inside [someone I know])

Don’t be alarmed. It’s okay. We were born to hump. I see what you conservative people are doing. Denying is meant to be coy. But look what happens when you deny: Larry Craig. Priests. Anthony Wiener (and the many other texting wieners). It is not working to pretend we’re not having sex. It doesn’t make us seem cute. It makes us seem like liars. It makes us look naive. And prude. The more we deny, the more people assume we’re hiding something. Most people probably think the Santorums have a sex den full of minors in their basement.

Let it out. It’s okay. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FUCK. Because we are animals. It’s okay to have a sexual appetite. It’s okay to want to have sex before marriage. It’s okay to masturbate, fantasize, do it like dogs, and take birth control pills. Get over it. Stop being so prude. Enjoy an orgasm once in a while.

Be an animal.