I spent Valentine’s Day alone. Yeah, so? It was only because I had plans with Whitney Houston.
They suddenly fell through.
It is so strange that so many people think staying alone on Valentine’s Day is not cool. I got so many offers from friends who wanted to pull me out of my house and get me to not be depressed. Well, I wasn’t depressed. I was sipping wine in front of my space heater, writing and feeling pretty fucking great. Mostly. Maybe my womb is weeping, but I’m just dandy.
My favorite offer came a few days before V-Day from my Spanish tutor (yes, I have a Spanish tutor. I want to make sure I’m not writing the equivalent of the wrong ‘your’ in any other language.). She told me that she and her husband spent a lot of time figuring out which of their friends would be perfect for me. They analyzed them all and sweetly hand-picked one just for me. I didn’t ask for anybody. I’m TAKING A BREAK, dammit.
She interrupted my verb conjugating by showing me his picture on Facebook. Look! There he is sitting down at a party. Look! There he is sitting in a car! Look! There he is sitting in our old living room.
“That’s nice,” I said. “He’s cute.”
“Just one thing.”
“Okay.”
“He only has one leg.”
“Okay.”
“And he lives in Italy.”
Now, I’m not picky. I’m very open to new things. But, really? Am I really desperate enough to date someone who lives in Italy? I mean, REALLY? Of all the people in LA, she thinks the best person for me is someone who lives IN ITALY? Doesn’t she know how horrible it is over there (According to the cast of ‘The Jersey Shore.’)? And one leg? One leg could definitely be interesting and perhaps a new fetish I might enjoy. But she was suggesting that the BEST option for me is a peg-leg with whom I’ll have to have cybersex. Let’s make it a little harder and throw in some kids and an ex-wife. And he should also have HIV too. And lupus. Anything AS LONG AS I’M NOT SINGLE.
She is the cutest human being I know and is obviously just looking out for me. As are all the others who offer me their nephews or their neighbors. But…
You guys. Seriously. Thanks. But, I’m cool. I am okay as a single woman! I am okay shaving my legs once a week and rarely washing my dishes. And it’s great not being left in restaurants. So, thanks but no thanks.
This has been an announcement.
{ 17 comments }
Oh my god. NO! No. No. That doesn’t even make sense. I’m laughing at how ridiculous that is. All of it. Look – we’re all single. Even pompous couples who think they’re together. They’re not. No one is. We’re all alone together.
I know a guy in Antarctica who is really cute. He’s been frozen for 400 years, though.
xoxo
Oh Simone, you’re fucking spot on, so SPOT ON – ‘Look – we’re all single. Even pompous couples who think they’re together. They’re not. No one is. We’re all alone together’.
I used to be one of those irritating people who only felt ‘whole’ when I was ‘half’ of a relationship. What a crock of shit.
And as for people trying to set you up, Laurenne, they’re probably just projecting their own discomfort – I think some people find it difficult to exist beyond the comfort of being in a relationship.
And oh, by the way, re the Italian guy – think of all the calzone you can eat if you visit him. Win.
Simone nailed it. We’re all single. Some just do it in pairs.
Now, about this Italian… you see, as a world traveler, i’m trying to align a gent for every port….
Wait. We’re all alone even when we’re coupled? I’m wondering if I should be relieved or depressed by that?
I am writing a blog about my one day depression on Valentine’s Day. I will send it to you when finished.
Really, her probably needs a green card to come to the US and get married. Not for my Laurenne.
I haven’t shaved my legs in two weeks either. Doesn’t make a difference if you’re dating someone or not. ;)
Valentine’s Day when you do have a significant other can suck. True story.
By myself on V-Day, walking the dogs in the park, when this very, very old man tottered past me. We made eye contact, he gave me a big wide smile and cheerfully wished me Happy Valentine’s Day. I blinked, then grinned back, thanked him, and wished him the same.
I’ve been in relationships on V-Day that didn’t generate the brief moment of joy I got from that old guy.
Aw! that’s so beautiful! This random old man called me an angel yesterday and it was so gratifying too. Connections with strangers for just that rare moment can be so damn special.
I had three offers to be set up in roughly five hours on Super Bowl Sunday.
Three separate offers. Apparently, everyone thinks that I am desperate.
One came from my best friend. She wanted to set me up with the guy she drunk dials and asks to make our with her when she gets mad at the guy she is seeing.
The second was an over weight but (apparently) accomplished middle age writer who is slightly insane and can’t stop talking about the illuminati and the pending alien landings.
By the third offer I was too drunk to explain I was not interested. Also, I was too drunk to read the name of the guy in my text messages. So I can’t say much on this one. I can only assume it is in line with the others.
As a side note, leaving LA for love is not a sign of desperation. Men here happen to suck more than men in other places.
It wasn’t the leaving LA part. It’s the part that people assume I must be so desperate that I’ll choose to have a very difficult/nearly impossible relationship in order to not be alone. Meh.
This post is a girl forum so I hope I’m not crashing the party. And a month ago one of your readers said they didn’t like me because I was too optimistic.
I’m sorry. I’m trying to change. Really I am. But I can’t help but stumble back into that horrible way of looking at the world, like…just maybe, on a good day…I have control. Like maybe, we ALL do…on “good” days. And we can all get what we want…on “good” days.
And I’ll tell ya what makes a day “good.” It’s a day…perhaps like your day, today…when you feel it’s okay to get out of bed with no regrets.
It’s a day when you clearly know what you want but you’re not worried about getting it or losing it.
It’s a day when you’re happy about the way things are but know it can even get better.
And that’s the “sweet spot” of life that gets you what you want; like meeting Prince Charming or a book publishing deal or having more money than you need.
It’s that place of confidence where you just expect it’ll come, whatever it is, and you can enjoy the day while your prize travels to you from the future. (I know. That’s hard to believe and even harder to practice.)
So of course I too go in and out of those “good” days. And yeah, I still have plans yet to materialize cuz I’m probably thinking too much about the reasons why they’re not getting to me..like RIGHT NOW!
But the small stuff, the stuff I can let go, the stuff I don’t care about that much, comes in truck loads. Why? Cuz I don’t care if it doesn’t come! (It’s a Zen thing.)
And getting even more warm and fuzzy, (and I’m not bragging here) sometime ago the right girl came along when I had finally given up trying to find her. But she wasn’t from Italy…or Tibet, or the Far East. She was from Germany. And she wasn’t Jewish. And I am, sort of, and still we were perfect for each other, then and now.
And sure we get on each other’s nerves from time to time. And we occasionally get mad at each other. And sometimes we even hurt each other and then make up. But the devotion, it never quits.
So I guess that means we really ARE living together and not just sharing a house. And sure, we’ll die alone and that will be sad. But right now, we get up in the morning with no regrets. That makes it a “good” day.
So I apologize for being so positive. I’ll try not to let that happen again. But in the meantime, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Irv
You shave your legs once a week? I’m impressed! I think you’re doing just fine. For me, this was the first VDay that I didn’t bother feeling like a loser because I’m single. It was great. And yes I felt less alone than I did some years in an unhappy marriage. But – hey let’s have some fun before we drop dead, ya know? How cute is the Italian guy??
Only one leg? In Italy? Does he like lesbians, because HE SOUNDS SO PERFECT FOR ME.
I haven’t shaved my legs since December. Being single is awesome. And I am only a little bit disgusted by myself.
At least he is better than a Canadian from the Future
I just want to make sure you’re washing your dishes with a different sponge than you wipe down your counters with. Gross.
Also how do you know he has a peg leg? Maybe he just hops around. Some people don’t like modern medicine or wooden things.