This week was weird. I have since been fired from the cubicle I so feared last week. It wasn’t because I said derogatory things about said cubicle. It was simply because I am a freelancer and they didn’t need me anymore. That’s also what they said that one time I got fired on the spot my first day. I think they thought that hiring a female copywriter would mean I would be fashionable. So, they hired me to work on a stylish shoe campaign. And then I showed up wearing a sweatshirt and fake Toms from Payless. Whoops. For me that was ‘dressing up,’ as I usually wear my pajamas.
“Um, yeah, ummm… actually, we just talked to our finance guy, and we, um, actually can’t afford you. Sorry for making you, ummm, come all the way here.”
Then Tuesday I heard from an agent. An agent who sells books. She has been ‘reading’ my ‘book’ for two months. She told me it would take two weeks. As the days on my desktop Dilbert calendar ticked away, I figured she had accidentally sold it to a big publisher and would soon be sending me an advance check. Nope. She just wrote back and graciously included a link to a website with tips on how to write a story. Yep. Thanks.
But the most interesting part of the week was today. I paid $8 for a juice. Not a gallon of juice that you would find in a store. Nope. A jar of juice. One serving. The label got to me. It said, ‘Look how healthy I am. You are not. You have had Taco Bell in the recent past. You need to drink healthy juices and eat organic rice cakes.’
What’s that you say? You say that an $8 juice isn’t interesting. Well, how about this:
I have been using this organic lotion on my face. It is light and smells like vegetables. It was not $8, but a free sample. Each morning, I commented out loud to myself about how light it is. I finally looked at the label to find out where to buy it, and the label said, ‘Apply to towel-dried hair and leave in.’
Labels are jerks.
I sat there laughing to myself and fearing for my skin. I really wanted to tell someone about it, and when I finally did, they didn’t think it was that interesting. So I wrote it here! You’re welcome.
I have been using conditioner on my face. And because it had a fancy name with an accent in it, I totally thought it was something really good that would take my wrinkles right off. It’s kind of the same thing as the juice. That juice was gross, by the way. Don’t put cucumbers in juice. It’s not becoming. The lesson here: don’t be gullible.
These things still aren’t interesting, are they? SHIT! Do not not worry. I am now equipped with a link that will totally help me write a story, so I’m good.
Next week, just wait! There will be some REALLY great interesting stories RIGHT HERE.
In the meantime, I have to go to this meeting about timeshares. The ad said it would be really fun and good for you.
{ 13 comments }
Laurenne, can you collect unemployment????? Not nice before the holidays. Creams, lotions. conditioners, all the same to you it appears. Funny stuff.
No! I am self-employed. I go to these cubicles when they need me and that’s it. I don’t need unemployment! Getting ‘fired’ as a freelancer is normal! Start at a new cubicle on Monday. Hooray!
At least it wasn’t hemorrhoid cream.
Haha. I can’t top this comment, but I will try. See below.
Hey! What makes you bitches think I have hemorrhoid cream? I know I talk about poo a lot, but give a girl a break over here.
While showering at my sister’s house, I grabbed a bottle that I thought was conditioner. While drying my hair, I kept wondering why it was taking so long to dry and why my hair looked greasy. The bottle of conditioner was actually lotion.
Your first mistake was buying a drink that was green. No liquid that is green can be good. Unless it’s Ecto Cooler by Hi-C. But I never drank (drunk? wasted?) that drink because it was green. And the guy on the label looked gross. Poor advertising. They needed better freelancers.
On the bright side at least you didn’t pay $50 for that cream because they upsold you at the carwash. (inside jokes.)
Can you send me the link on How to Write A Story?
Oh and another thing, fuck that agent.
you don’t need that link on how to write a good story. ’cause if you do, then i’m in really. big. trouble.
Pale Stars? That sounds like a hipster band. Obviously, it tastes bad. Because tasting good is soooo 2009.
My mom sent me some really expensive eye cream in the mail, and it’s been sitting on my bathroom shelf for months. If you’re ready to stop using hair conditioner on your face, I’ll send you it.
Years ago, in high school or college, my sister and I went to the mall to do our Christmas shopping. We were in one of those smelly stores, Bath & Body or something along those lines. All of a sudden she comes running over to me and says, “We need to leave. Now.” I was like, “What is your problem?” She goes, “Now!” She bolts out of the store and into the nearest bathroom. She had put what she thought was lotion onto her hands but didn’t actually read the sample bottle. It was some kind of soap, and the more the tried to rub it in the more foamy it got…
Shit happens :o)
Could you email me the link? I feel like I could probably use it.
Thanks.
Also, cucumber in water is delicious. Also, if it is muddled into a fancy margarita I am a big fan. Maybe not in juice though. I can’t say that I’ve tried that.
I used to crash timeshare gala’s all the time… those $20 Applebee’s gift cards were the lure… the hook was I did not have any money for anything!
Man, $8 for juice..? I better start pissing oil and crapping gold for one glass of $8 juice..!
Love you… for real, you talented silly young woman..!
Love and Rockets!
Mark