I had a realization the other day:
I’m a douche bag.
I don’t use that term lightly. I don’t really even like that term. But, in this particular case, it was the only way I could describe myself. Douchey.
I’m not the stereotypical douche bag. I don’t wear Ed Hardy shirts or pump house music from my Iroc Z and/or Beemer (although I would if I could).
No. In this instance, I went to Palm Springs for my wonderful friends’ wedding. It was one of those weddings you don’t want to leave, the kind where everyone knows each other and meets up the day before and the day after to talk about old times. The kind of wedding that brings you back to grad school when you all met and when responsibilities seemed huge but really weren’t. The kind of wedding nobody wants to leave.
I did not want to leave.
We rented a house and spent a significant amount of time cannonballing, brunching on elaborate egg dishes outside, solving jigsaw puzzles, savoring wine, and not thinking about anything else but where we were right then. For someone who’s always thinking about everything everywhere else, it was magical.
When it was time to leave, we clung to our pool noodles and begged the owner to let us stay longer. Pleeeease, just a little bit longer? On the road back to LA, we stopped for dinner outside the city to extend our vacation. Pleeeeaaaase, make it last a little longer.
I did not want to go back to my regular life.
Anything but that.
Before we crossed into LA County, I was already steeped in a big vat of Post Palm Springs Depression: PPSD.
I told my friend.
She said: You live by the beach and work from home. What the fuck are you complaining about?
She didn’t understand. Palm Springs had houses and friends from long ago and lots of room and privacy and washers and dryers and silence and puzzles. Venice is crowded and filled with police sirens and assignments I have to hand in.
Then I told my friend that I didn’t want to go back home because I had an interview at an ad agency.
She reminded me that a lot of people would want to work at that ad agency and that lots of people in the world don’t have jobs.
That’s when it hit me: I’m a real douche bag.
Because somewhere along the way I lost my gratitude.
I’ve never been a fan of comparing bad things to worse things to make someone feel better. To me that never works. “Sorry your entire family died in that bus accident. At least you’re not in Ethiopia where you can’t even get fresh water.”
Nope.
But in my case, it wasn’t the the other people needing jobs that made me feel bad. It was simply the realization that I was complaining about a life I’m choosing to live.
Hogwash!
I do live by the beach, something I’ve always wanted to do. I haven’t had a boss since March, a goal I’ve always wanted to reach! My family is full of beautiful creative people who love me. I have lovely girlfriends on whom I can count. I laugh a lot. I have everything I need. I was able to afford a trip to Palm Springs. I can balance a fork on my head. I am free to have opinions on religion and gun control (no, yes).
It wasn’t long ago that I was happy living out of a backpack in a rat-infested room in India. When I first got this apartment, I was so grateful for having plates. Hello! Where did that go?
I have nothing to complain about!
BUT…
I have created this belief that tells me I’m not a ‘real writer’ unless I’m making a certain amount of money through writing. So, I wake up every morning and feel like my goal has not yet been met. Every day, I’m failing. And so I work fourteen hours a day because I’m trying to make it make it make it. And sometimes I don’t go outside to even see the beach because I’m writing writing writing. And sometimes I only eat rice because I can’t take a break from my doing doing doing. And sometimes I don’t see those great friends because I can’t stop stop stop. And sometimes I skip out on phone calls because I’m busy busy busy.
Of course I’m not grateful. I’m not looking around.
I’m a douche bag.
I think there’s a line between being driven and being a robot. I’m pretty sure I crossed into robot a while ago. A douchebag robot. Also the name of my band.
All I can do is open my eyes. So, I’m declaring it here: I will walk to the beach every single morning and treat myself to some sunshine and coffee and real life before I go back to doing. And during those walks I will phone a friend or tell myself how grateful I am for what I have. Because I am! When I stop to think about it, I really am! I just need to stop more often. Like, every five minutes. Maybe I should also douche, just to keep up with my name.
{ 24 comments }
Hmmm… you don’t have ‘douchebag-itis’. What you have is a case of ambition with equal parts desire and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You already have balance… I feel the same as you do about comparing anything I am experiencing to something worse… it always makes me think of how inane it is to make a point through using ‘Nazism’ or ‘Hitler’ to buttress an argument. No, honey pie, you simply have ‘the want it’ and you are doing what you can to ‘get it’. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Love ya lots!
Mark
you need the balance – the drive and the ‘slow down, you move too fast’ moments. just remember to pull yourself by the scruff of the neck from the working stuff periodically and say “if this isn’t nice, i don’t know what is” about something. then back to the grind! that shit ain’t gonna write itself!
i’d go see “Douchebag Robots”…
ha! Thanks. I will let you know when we’re performing.
You are terrific the way you are. You can use me as your call a friend.
Dear Laurenne,
I think you DO have gratitude. Plenty of it. Because you write about it. But you also write about not feeling productive as a writer, that you don’t feel you matter as a writer, that you don’t feel professional enough as a writer. And maybe you don’t feel “professional” enough as a “Professional” because the money coming in should be more that it is. I certainly can relate to all of that. It took me years before I finally felt good about myself in a number of areas. And the money still could be better. But I’m not eating myself up alive anymore. And that reason for that, beyond AGE, is that I figured out how to change the CRITERIA for judging myself.
If you’re only using WRITING INCOME alone as a barometer for success, then you have tied your face to a ticking clock. And only ONE clock at that.
But there are so many other gages you can use to evaluate yourself as a writer, such as improvements in writing skill, the reach of your blog, the kinds of comments you get, your own joy ride when getting into your “author zone,” a review from a very important person in your life. Stuff like that.
A few years ago I switched from wishing for world-wide fame and fortune to a much small circle of influence, but deeper respect within that circle. And I achieved it.
I also solved the monetary issues years ago with sources of income other than writing, which actually produced MORE opportunities for publication than I had before that.
So I have a few suggestions:
First, put your full name on the landing page of this blog, and every page. Because after all, this blog is really about YOU and we should know your name. It’s a brand.
Second, if you are not doing it all ready, leave meaningful comments on as many blogs as you have time for. Again, this is a way for you to get your name out there. Now I know you do it to some degree, because I linked to you from another blog. But do it more often if you can. (And leave comments on mine too. You’d be adding great ideas my content.) Beyond that, when you comment on other blogs, you raise your expose level and rage ranking.
Third, if you can, post more often. You are really entertaining and I wait for your stories to pop up on my Google Reader ever week!
Forth, go deep with your posts, which you do anyway. With so much bullshit in the world, people are starving for sincerity. Myself included.
Anyway, that’s a start and only one point-of-view of course. But it may help. Hope it does.
Your fan,
Irv
madonna, oprah, prince — laurenne!
CORRECTION: “Beyond that, when you comment on other blogs, you raise your EXPOSURE level and PAGE ranking.”
You might be raising your RAGE ranking as well!
Irv
Thanks so much, Irving!
I appreciate all your advice. I used to be an avid blog reader, but now that I am writing lots of articles per week and running a show, I don’t have time to read those and leave comments! I am currently using my blog for fun! It is fun. It gives me great pleasure to not have a boss/editor correcting my every letter. Aaaah! I love it.
I’m holding myself up to a standard that might not be reachable, but that’s okay. I’m aware of it!
Anyway, I appreciate your support and help and comments. THANK YOU!!
How can you not love advice from a guy named Irving Podolsky? Sounds like a long lost uncle I met at a funeral. “Oy, this brisket is tough.”
I think you should ignore the advice of your well intentioned friends. You don’t need to slow down. Or write less. You need to keep your foot on the pedal. Just watched a documentary on Bukowski. That guy could write. And drink. And fight. And fuck. Too bad he had no time to visit a dermatologist.
Cancel your reservations for your return trip to the desert. And make with the keyboard clacking noises.
Oy! Thanks. Fuck it. I’m outta here. Let’s go write books in the desert.
Girl, you are way too hard on yourself. On the flipside of your post – It’s actually hard for most people to talk about what they do have. Probably for fear of being seen as someone who is “bragging” or “showing off”, blah blah blah. even though you are just excited, happy, sincere about taking on new adventures. It’s easy and somehow more accepted to bitch about stuff but that does not make you a douchebag or ungrateful. You are sincere and grateful and talented and funny andddddd a writer so celebrate that! That is success! Oh and you have had amazing producers in your life :) xo
if douchebag means amazingly creative and gifted, then yeah. most writers/artists are broke. mozart died broke. i’d argue he was a real composer. money isn’t a measure of success.
i have a stupid mug that says, “Life’s too short, count your blessings”. mug in hand, i catch myself complaining about my job (um, money), my friends (um, wonderful), my lack of readers (um, who gives a shit)…
it’s human nature to go to the negative. success is measured by how much or how little we listen to that negative shit. if we got everything we ever wanted, we’d probably never reach for new things.
Laurenne, thank u, thank u, thank u!! This is the most inspirational/motivational thing iv read in ages!!!
Yu’r self arse kicking has also kicked my own ungrateful arse into touch.
It’s so good to know I’m not the only one who is so determined to maintain and create a life, that she actually is too stressed to enjoy it!
Cheers!
Aw! I love your accent.
Ok, now I feel like a douchebag.
Dear Laurenne,
If you’re a douchebag, then you have just redefined the word. It now means: beautiful, intelligent, creative, driven, hilarious, talented, and amazing. <3
Love,
Katie
laurenne, you are very grateful for the things you have. just the self-awareness in this article says a lot. go for walks on the beach, call your friends….but do it because you genuinely feel like it and not because it’s something you need to do to get away from the doing. if sometimes you feel like staying at home and working and cooking rice so you can keep working, that’s okay too. we’ll still love you.
Clinging to pool noodles never worked out for anyone. Unless you can’t swim. Then it probably works out a lot in the non drowning sense.
People should mainly be talking about the picture. Were you guys ziplining on powerlines? If that’s what happens in Palm Springs, count me out. Unless ziplining on those power lines give me a superpower like every superhero. The power of electricity.
There’s a difference between complaining all the time and getting what you want. You want better! There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not a douchebag cause if you were I would tell you. Via email because I wouldn’t want to interact with your douchebaggery.
I loved this one. I know that feeling all too well and you’re right, you feel like a douche bag afterwards! Thank you for making me take a look at everything I have and feeling grateful again.
“You live by the beach and work from home. What the fuck are you complaining about?”
OMG. There’s *so* much to complain about. Use your eyes! Look around! Life is crap. Seriously. An ex once gave me a T-shirt that says “Life is Crap.” I dumped her that night.
life is crap! Come on! There are dolphins in those waters. Life is coooool. Good call on the dumping.
I hate to be the asshole here, but you aren’t going to live up to your every day goal.
Try taking that walk once a week. Then twice a week. Then maybe every day. If you jump right into doing it every day you will start to freak yourself out and won’t do it at all.
Or you will think about doing it every day and that will seem like it’s too much so you won’t even do it that very first time.
Or maybe I’m just being an asshole and you will take the time out every single day. In which case… Go YOU!
Not an asshole. You’re RIGHT! It’s been over a week. Slowly but surely, my friend.
So funny, I just read this after asking you if you have days when you never leave the house and work in you pjs all day. I guess we have to make ourselves take a walk at least once a day, even though I secretly like the idea of never getting dressed. Maybe if I just throw a down jacket over my pjs no one will notice!
PS. I don’t think your a douche, just a nerd. Jon says if nerds weren’t nerds than no one would ever be cool, so cool people have us to thank! Or if nerds were normal then normal would be nerdy…