Of course! Yes! Why not?! Absolutely!

My newest sexual fantasy is that I meet a guy at a supermarket by the bananas. We smile to each other. I take him back to my place. He fluffs up my pillows. I relax on the bed. He begins to slowly dip a rag in hot water and wipe it over all my dishes while I get out my computer. I send out all the emails I’ve been putting off.  I complete everything on my internet to-do list while he refreshes my coffee and occasionally sashays by naked.

And scene.

I’ve become asexual because of my constant overwhelm. If you have emailed me and think I’m a bitch for not responding, you’re not alone. I have a list of 100 emails to send. And a million things to do. People who are off curing AIDS surely have a more important to-do list than I do, but mine is long. And it’s all my fault because I have forgotten how to form that word ‘no.’ Do you want to be in this show? Yes. Do you want to dance in an internet video so people can put their head on your body as you wriggle around? Sure. Do you want to drive two hours to interview these guys for an article that doesn’t pay anything? Of course! I actually want to do all those things. I’m stuck between time and my do-everything ideal. Stupid time!

I’m buried. I’m suffocated. I finally realized this when my birthday came around this past Sunday. I was annoyed by it. Not by the fact that I am aging, but because it was another thing on my to-do list. Ugh, I can’t stop by Target because I have to celebrate that birthday thing.  Let’s get it over with.

WHAT!?
I mean, WHAT!?
I must be stopped.

Trying to sell an article about picnic spots in LA CANNOT be as important as I’m making it. I’m annoying myself. Is it possible to annoy yourself to death with your own self-importance? I may be in danger.

A few days ago, I finally began exercising my free will.
I said ‘no.’
And I said it with a vengeance. As much vengeance I could muster through text.
A nice young man approached me in the parking lot of Barnes & Noble. I wasn’t terribly attracted to him, but he was quite persistent. I knew my fantasies could use some bolstering, and I miss wearing heels. So, I said… yes.
Even though something about him was shady.
Even though he asked me out in a parking lot.
Even though he told me he wasn’t at work at 11am because he was the boss of an ad agency and he’d given everyone the day off.
Even though I have worked at ad agencies and have never seen a 29-year-old boss who could give a department the day off.
Even though he said he was the boss despite his only being in advertising a year after injuring himself in the NBA.

I pedaled home, pissed at my lack of ‘no’s.
Then I Googled his very unique name because that’s what we do these days. Nothing about the NBA or advertising. Nothing explaining the reason he might be hanging out in parking lots.
And then he sent me this picture:

And then this picture:

And I said NO.
And he continued to send pictures. Like this one:

And then, with chest puffed and full confidence, I said:
I’m not interested. At all. Looking for someone older who won’t try to seduce me with pictures. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It felt good. I felt like this could be the start of a beautiful relationship with ‘no.’
Still, he sent me this picture:

And for one whole week now, I’ve been getting text after text.
Good morning, Laurenne. Have a great day.
Good night, Laurenne. Enjoy your sleep.

So, what I’ve learned from this experience is: I suffer from the inability to say ‘no.’ And when I finally do, shady men won’t let me.

This is why I am taking myself to a place that will force me into solitude. I won’t be able to clobber myself with busy work or attend any shows. Consider me indisposed (but not in the way people say it when they mean they’re going to the bathroom). I will be in Honduras for the next three weeks. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s there. I just know that there’s an island that I’ve never heard of (Utila). There are whale sharks, which are the biggest fish to date (about 40ft). And there’s a little bungalow calling out to me to relax and maybe celebrate that birthday. I’ll still be laughing at humans here because I have an unusual attachment to this very shade of blue and white. But I won’t be able to get any more texts. Or pictures.

See you soon. Unless you’re the advertising boss/NBA player.

PLEASE NOTE: This post was written in haste, as I am packing and have a million things to do.