It’s 2011. Fuck.
It’s now time for people to scoff at me and return my checks due to my failure to remember it’s 2011. Not that I write checks that often. Other people do. And those people are usually in front of me at the supermarket.
Shit. This post isn’t so positive. One of my 2010 2011 resolutions is to think more positively. Wow, that shirt looks great on you.
There’s a reason for the timely negativity. A reason for my cowering in the corner, very reluctant to welcome in a new year. It’s because 2010 2011 will be one of the biggest years in my professional career. I’ve planned it that way, so that’s how it’s going to be. Shit is going to happen. My vision board agrees.
That also means that I’m going to have to make all that stuff happen. And that’s creating a lot fear and vulnerability all throughout my little body that is miraculously still pretty little compared to the amount of food I’ve eaten this holiday paired with alcohol in the hope that I’ll forget the fear and vulnerability.
You, see, I have this dick of an ego, Lawrence, and he likes to chime in and tell me I’m a failure and that it’s stupid to actually try to be a full-time non-advertising writer because I’m just going to fail. But, rejoice! I read a book about dealing with dickface egos, and it said to write out Lawrence’s words with the non-dominant hand and then respond with the dominant hand. And let me tell you, Lawrence has some bad handwriting.
It did teach me that my biggest fear is failure. And that I’m making failure out to be this horrible demon of a thing that I won’t be able to escape, a red X on my face like that on the faces of the Family Feud contestants who don’t know that the survey said broccoli.
But then I thought more about it and realized that failing is my own invention.
Some people think Obama is a failure. Others still really admire him (I swear. We’re out there.). But what’s really the most important is how he sees himself. He can choose to be mad at himself and listen to his jerky ego, or he can be proud of what he’s been able to accomplish and go to bed smiling.
My point is that fear and failure live only in our own minds. And if we have the power to deem ourselves failures, don’t we also have the power to deem ourselves winners? Let’s choose that option. Let’s all be winners.
I’m still unclear on the very objective failures like fathers who leave their kids and never call them until they’re in their twenties. That’s a parental failure, right? Well, I guess the kid could think the father failed, but if the father was doing the best he could at the time, he could still think of himself as a winner. See how I turned that around? I should really be a helpful guest on Jerry Springer.
Is that show still on? If so, I can believe it. I spent a lot of time avoiding Lawrence by watching my mother’s television this holiday season. There are some really crap shows on. Cake Boss? Seriously? See how I’m starting to go all over the place now down here toward the end? My old self could say that this is a total writing failure. But my new self declares this post a winner.
I’m coming out of hiding and am now prepared for 2010 2011, the best year yet. For real. Because I said so. Let’s enjoy it, fellow winners. Let’s be positive and make things happen. My, that shirt looks really, really good on you.
UPDATE: I don’t really have a vision board.
UPDATE #2: Tony Robbins called. He wants his post back.
UPDATE #3: The guy who made up the joke about things calling and wanting their stuff back called. He said that shit is old.
{ 26 comments }
Why, thanks! It is new! Glad someone noticed:)
I was just thinking about how disappointed I am that we missed any year like 1011 or 1001. Binary code years would have been awesome and very positive. But did they have binary code back then? The Dewey Decimal System? Anything else nerdy?
That's not that point, the point is that your vision board is right. Hopefully it doesn't need corrective lenses because this year we will make it! You'll become a famous writer and I'll make figgy pudding.
Dreams will come true!
I think we are having the same year. Biggest year yet. If we can remember which year it is.
You got on stage in front of tens of judgmental people and told jokes. That's ballsy. There's nothing else to fear, except birds and fish that die mysteriously. The hell with Lawrence. Beat his ass.
Love your posts. Your wit and biting satire have success written all over them. If you ever get to Baltimore, I think you would be a great speaker for our writer's group.
Yay for this post!
And, if you figure out the part where you become a real writer and leave behind the advertising writer, please tell me the secret. I am working on it as well.
You're a winner. Or a loser.
But probably, like most people, you're both.
So rejoice!
(But this post is a winner, so that's what really matters, right?)
When you mentioned Jerry Springer, my first thought was, "Is that show still on?" And then I read your next line, which said, "Is that show still on?" So if I share a thought with a post that you've declared a winner, does that make me a winner by proxy? I'm thinking yes.
Extending that theory, I haven't blogged in about two weeks, and I'm pretty sure all the posts I haven't written are winners, too.
Happy new year, dear.
Your posts are perfect! If they make me laugh, that's all that matters. It's all about me, right?
Oh, you guys! I totally didn't write this so everyone could agree that I'm a winner, but rejoice! We're all winners. Especially Gary Lester for loving my satire. Yes! SEE! Winners. We're all winners.
i do a similar exercise, only replace the dickego with inner child… my inner child is pissed. she can't understand why i do the things i do. and frankly, neither can i…
I noticed that your blog is having some maintenacne problems. When I was here yesterday I encountered 404 error in Survey says… inspiration! Or broccoli., but today everything seems to be in perfect shape.I couldn’t agreed with you more! Bookmarked!
I wish your website would fit far better on my netbook. I hope that you can address this problem in the future.
It truly is really terrific precisely how from time to time the most basic concept turns into a entire write-up, isn’t it? You write nicely, and I just would like it if I’d a bit of your ability to write alone! – David
Hey great blog! Does running a blog similar to this require a great deal of work? I’ve absolutely no expertise in programming however I had been hoping to start my own blog in the near future. Anyway, if you have any recommendations or tips for new blog owners please share. I understand this is off topic however I simply needed to ask. Cheers!
109.230.128.179:8080
I was very encouraged to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this special read. I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.
Hello there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it is really informative. I am going to watch out for brussels. I’ll appreciate if you continue this in future. Lots of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!
Superb blog! Do you have any suggestions for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like Wordpress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m completely confused .. Any recommendations? Bless you!
Hi would you mind letting me know which hosting company you’re utilizing? I’ve loaded your blog in 3 completely different web browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot quicker then most. Can you suggest a good internet hosting provider at a reasonable price? Thanks, I appreciate it!
This writing is almost giving a new direction from every possible way.
This domain appears to recieve a good ammount of visitors. How do you get traffic to it? It gives a nice unique twist on things. I guess having something real or substantial to talk about is the most important factor.
My accomplice and I really enjoyed reading this weblog post, I was simply itching to know do you commerce featured posts? I’m always trying to find somebody to make trades with and merely thought I would ask.
As far as me being a member here, I wasn’t aware that I was a member for any days, actually. When the article was published I received a username and password, so that I could participate in Comments, That would explain me stumbuling upon this post. But we’re certainly all members in the world of ideas.
Please allow me to express my greatest appreciation for this great article you have written. You are truly a wonderful expert in this area. The important tips suggest a lot to me and also my family. Please understand that your kindness to share those tips with people like all of us during this difficult time has meant a lot to our house.
Throughout the grand design of things you actually secure a B+ just for effort. Exactly where you misplaced me personally was in all the facts. As it is said, the devil is in the details… And it couldn’t be much more true at this point. Having said that, allow me tell you just what did give good results. Your text is certainly quite powerful and this is most likely why I am making the effort to comment. I do not really make it a regular habit of doing that. Next, although I can certainly see a leaps in reasoning you make, I am not necessarily confident of just how you appear to unite the details which inturn produce the conclusion. For the moment I will, no doubt yield to your issue but trust in the near future you actually connect your facts much better.
{ 1 trackback }