It’s much easier to appreciate how funny humans truly are if we try to explain our everyday goings on to those who don’t understand. Like aliens. If I had some aliens over for dinner and tried to explain human culture, they’d surely burst with laughter. Or just say, ‘jurrrrg.’ I don’t know.
This is how I’d sum it all up:
Jesus
There once was a man who came to town and told everyone that his father lived in the sky and controlled the whole world. Some people didn’t believe him.
Those people were persecuted then and even 2000 years later. Some of them escaped persecution and have become heads of Hollywood movie studios, but others are still really hated for collectively killing the son of the man in the sky thousands of years ago.
Muhammed
There are some people who worship a god. Nobody is allowed to draw this god even though they have no idea what he looks like because nobody who actually saw him ever drew him. It’s forbidden to even draw a fork or a wagon and say it’s this god. If you do, the worshippers will try to kill you.
Abortion
Sometimes, when a man makes a woman pregnant and she doesn’t want to be pregnant, a doctor takes a vacuum and sucks the baby out of her womb. In order to elect a president, the people of the United States need to know how the candidate feels about this vacuum.
Media
Certain things happen in the world. Humans need to know about it. We pay certain people a lot of money to get their hair styled to look like a brick and read about these events to a TV camera. Sometimes, they have nothing to report so they make up stories. Powerful people who don’t want anyone to know about their events persuade the people with brick hair to NOT talk about them. Also, there is competition among the people with brick hair, so they add details to their stories to sound better. And they love to use the word ‘exclusive.’
Kim
There is a man who rules a country called North Korea. He will not allow anyone to enter or exit his country. He doesn’t allow the people in his country to know anything about any other country even though there are 195 countries in the world. He does not even let them watch any people with brick hair. Instead, he shows them pictures of himself and tells everyone that he is the best.
BP
People use cars and trucks to move themselves around. But there are so many cars and trucks that the world is having a hard time keeping up with the demand for oil, which is what makes them run. Some oil companies decided to dig for oil in the middle of the ocean. And then everyone was really surprised when they spilled a lot of oil into the water.
Lohan
There is a girl who was in a few movies. None of them were that good or memorable. She put a lot of illegal and unhealthy chemicals in her body and got in trouble. Then, she put more illegal and unhealthy chemicals in her body and got in more trouble. She went to court and wrote ‘fuck you’ on her fingernail to insult the judge (‘fuck you’ is considered very rude.). Nobody knows why the people with the brick hair talk so much about this girl. But many people in the USA know more about this girl than all of the other things listed here.
As is evident, Martha MacCallum reports on very significant issues of the day. She also carries one brick in her hair.
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I want to get my news from you from now on, because you make it so much simpler. Down with brick heads – up with great patchwork quilt-head.
I think Mean Girls is a wonderful film that Lindsay Lohan aka LiLo was once in. Also it was written by Tina Fey who may be the female equivalent of Muhammed, but probably not because she's had plenty of pictures drawn of her.
In journalism school the hallway outside the studio smelled like aerosol and remorse. Probably last night's tequila too. I imagine this is what Martha MacCallum smells like.
I thought Kim was going to be about Kim Kardashian.
Rahul – good call on Mean Girls
Of course you thought Kim was about Kim Kardashian. That's the problem!
That's why I wrote this post about events, and nobody has read it. Because people only care about LiLo and KK. Grrrrrossss.
And Mean Girls was NOT good enough to get Lohan so much attention. Come on.
Thanks, Hollye! I appreciate that. Quilt Heads to the rescue!
Well wasn't Lohan also a child star?
I've never heard her called LiLo. You guys must be more hip than me :P
Jimmy and I should have a Mean Girls movie watching night. We know good cinema when we see it.
I cared about all of this post. Especially Jesus. Especially Jesus.
Two comments from me!
You are soo hip! This pretty much sums up how to deal with the North American human… no what do the rest of the world have for the alien?
Excellent recap of humanity! You should start your own news channel. I'd tune in FOR SURE.
And Mean Girls was HORRIBLE. This coming from a Miley Cyrus fan, you know it's serious.
I think I will start showing pictures of myself to everyone and telling them that I am the best. Maybe I will start my own country.
Love it!
I love your blog and I don't even know you, except that I feel like I do since I've been reading your blog for over a year now and only now am leaving you a comment. But getting comments from strangers is fun except when it's creepy. Late better than never, though, right? Of course it's a Lindsey Lohan comment I have to make, she was a "child star" in that awful remake of the Parent Trap. She played twins. She's magic.
You are officially banned from my work day. I can't be sneaky about reading blogs on the clock if I'm laughing this much.
Humans are Funny is a blog written by a woman named Laurenne. Like other genius endeavors such as "30 Rock" and "Arrested Development," it is not appreciated by the unwashed masses, who aren't advanced enough to understand sarcasm, metaphors and analogies. But the very funniest of humans find Humans are Funny very, very funny.
Thanks for an idea, you sparked at thought from a angle I hadn’t given thoguht to yet. Now lets see if I can do something with it.
I love how you simplified all of these complicated topics, especially LL! Ha! You should be appointed ambassador to the aliens. Jrrrrg!
Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, I bookmarked it.
this is the first post i've read from your blog and i love it. humans ARE funny.
http://www.poodwaddle.com/clocks/worldclock/
i like this clock…it puts a lot of things into perspective…literally
it's hysterically funny because it's true. it's also horribly sad because it's true.
Love it. This is such a great blog. I found you through hippestsnippest. Will continue to follow you through internets.
When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thanks a lot!
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