We’ve been talking about the economy for so long that we’ve overlooked the largest economic tragedy of the past year.
Obama hasn’t once mentioned it.
I’ve seen nobody picketing about it.
Society is just allowing it to happen, encouraging it even.
The tragedy of 2010, and perhaps of all the years from now until 2012:
Snooki makes more money than all of us put together.
Snooki.
I know that several people in today’s society make more than all of my blog readers put together. I know my blog stats, and I’m fully aware that simply based on my numbers, we aren’t coming close to Brad Pitt or even Joan Rivers.
But this is Snooki.
Snooki– the pudgy orange ball of a girl who truly doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, and in fact thinks it’s simply ‘yer.’
She’s drunk all the time, has never heard of pants, and has one goal in life: to “hook up with a tan, juiced gorilla Guido.”
Ah!
It’s not fair. All she does is get wasted at clubs, have one-night stands with other equally uninspiring people, and go tanning. I spent years doing that in college, and I saw not a penny of return on investment. And there was a lot of investment into those slut costumes and bronzing lotions.
What has put me over the edge is her book deal.
Book. Deal.
Do you know how long I’ve been working on getting a book deal?
And now Snooki is getting one?
It’s a memoir about love. And it’s going to sell for twenty-four dollars. That’s more than a Harry Potter book. Snooki is more expensive than Harry Potter. Snooki. Again, Snooki. Snooki’s memoir can only really say, ‘I got drunk. I fucked a Guido. I got my nails done. The end.’ And it’s more expensive than a Harry Potter book.
You might think that I sound jealous. Oh, no. I’m not jealous. Not at all. Not a bit. Okay, maybe a bit. In honesty, I’d rather have my brain and untan skin coloring than be Snooki with a book deal. I’m mainly jealous because our society rewards drunk dumb people, and that really didn’t start happening until I had already climbed over the drunk dumb phase of my life. In 1998, I rode a mechanical bull in Mexico in a short skirt and no underwear, and all I got was a bottle of cheap tequila. No book deal.
But I have no fear. My time will come. You hear that literary agents? MY TIME WILL COME! And my book will sell for a million dollars. And only millionaires will buy it. And I will only have to sell one copy before I retire to a treehouse in Laos. And I won’t have to get a fake tan or fuck a gorilla for it. This, I must say, is a much sweeter deal.
Credit: some funny person on the Internet
{ 22 comments }
I wish there was a scale of "gorilla-ness" so I can see where I fit in. One day we're going to sell books and buy boats! But my book might be about a boat, so that's like meta or something.
To be fair the last line of the final Harry Potter book is "Banged a muggle, out to play quidditch, don't harsh my mellow Ron."
Oh.
Spoiler.
she IS a gorilla
i want a book deal. i don't think i wear enough tanning lotion.
the world's gone to hell in a handbasket when that crazy twat's got a book deal.
no pun intended.
Yo, Lauren I am reading your blog at halftime between training flights in northern Spain. Hillarious stuff I hope you get your book deal someday. I would buy, but only for kindle… Did you live in Madrid when you were overe here? This place rocks, i'm in graed school abd flyong for the spanish air fore… Open invite if you ever want to visit. I am 90 mins from madrid and barca. But bring some dvd's of jersey shore because i have never seen it out here.
I would love a deal, but not at the cost of being Snooki. Then again, maybe if I wrote a book called 'I love tanning, I have big boobs' a publisher might pick up my option: oh the possibilities.
Who the hell is snooki?
If only… and have you heard the title: A Shore Thing. Come on. You ghost writers couldn't come up with something better than that? Oh, I guess not. It's for Snooki.
Last night I watched Idiocracy and thought of our beloved Snooki too. We are not naturally selecting for good qualities anymore. Evolution will work against us!
PANIC!!!!
I'm glad I'm out of this loop because I don't know who in the hell Snooki is!
Oof. I really don't know what to say, other than I wish that I didn't know she was getting a book deal.
I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore yet I know who Snooki is. This should not be. This. Should. Not. Be. Those Jersey Shore kids are taking over the world. And I don't like it one bit.
I assume Snooki will have a ghost-writer. I can't imagine she can write. Or read. I wonder if she'll read her own book.
Just saw this and thought I'd share. Check out this video.
I have no words.
If it makes you feel any better I am sure the book can be found at your local .99 cent store in the clearance isle in roughly a month after its released. Not to mention that at the end of the day Snooki still has to look at herself in the mirror and feel good when you know she has a crippling case of tanned emptiness.
I never went through a drunk dumb phase. Not now. Not in college. Not even in kindergarten.
Conclusion: My sobriety and smarts are coming between me and a book deal.
Related conclusion: My sobriety and smarts are probably also why I'm single.
Yet another related conclusion: There is no incentive to be sober and smart.
That venn diagram just made my day, hell, my week.
Don't worry, stupidity will stop being rewarded. Well, probably not, but I'd still rather read your book.
…I hate to point fingers, but…she has a book deal because people watch that show for some ungodly reason! Love you anyway, though. Thank you for injecting hilarity into the universe!
very well put! and she was just on Regis & Kelly promoting this "said" book…
Is "Snooki" not the worst name of anything that you can think of?
s
I had much of the same reaction when I found out about her book deal. And the stupid The Situation's book deal too. A SIX FIGURE BOOK DEAL. I think I Tweeted my outrage at least six figure times.
Cripes.
People love dumb ass muherfuckers because it makes them feel better about their pathetic lives. This sickens me. The human race continues to fail at a rapid pace. There's no need to be jealous of that fool. She is a piece of trash blowing in the wind. Writers such as yourself will always endure. I'm going to go put on some self tanner and drink a bottle of vodka.
Now that I'm jobless, can I be your agent? I will get you a damn book deal if it kills me. Lauren Conrad, NOW SNOOKI?!? Fucking MTV, i hate you.
America, you sure do suck these days. Pick up yer socks!
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