This week’s funny human is the Plane Dresser Upper. We’ve all seen her sporting an A-line skirt, perfect make-up, and four-inch heels in line to board with her Louis Vuitton hand tote.
But why?
I get that we all used to put on our snappy Sunday best in the days of yore when planes were mysterious and special and had ash trays and full meals and nuts and a security line that didn’t require shoeless body scans.
But now we know how planes work, we don’t get pillows, and the meal is a box of cheese product and crackers for seven bucks. The plane honeymoon is over. We’ve been married for years now, so let’s act like it. Let’s wear sweatpants.
I understand Miss PDU’s reasoning. I get that it’s a common fantasy to meet that special someone in 23F and and hit up the cramped john together for a lust-filled tryst that makes for a good fantasy but probably not an actual good time.
But it’s funny to me because, regardless of the mile-high possibility, I can’t fathom the idea of stuffing my thighs into tight pants and my plane-bloated feet into heels when I know I’ll probably be stuck next to a business man in a too-tight Oxford who drinks two scotches and snores and a chatty grandmother who wants to tell me about her daughter’s rare eczema and her Bible study class. For five hours.
It’s cute that your unjaded brain is full of romantic possibility, Miss Plane Dresser-Upper, but let’s get real. Of all the times I’ve flown (over a hundred, probably), I’ve only once sat next to date material. And that didn’t work out because he decided to tell me he had a son on our first date to see R. Crumb’s illustration of the Old Testament. God was yelling about circumcision, and I said I wouldn’t circumcise my son and he said he already had. I feel like offspring should be announced either before the museum or over wine but not during foreskin talk. It was bad timing all around, making him not-the-one and averaging me zero for a hundred. So I’m going to say that the likelihood of meeting a quality guy on a plane is slim.
Some women would argue that they’re dressing up for themselves, that it’s a form of self-love. No. That is a lie. If you were really loving yourself, you’d come comfy, without a bra or makeup, in thick socks, and wearing a blow-up neck thing. Because that’s really the only way to sit comfortably in 23B for five hours. Or ten if you’re cool and going internationally.
But really… The main reason to not dress up on a plane is that heels are not allowed on the emergency blow-up slide. Miss Plane Dresser-Upper, you didn’t read the information provided in the seatback pocket, did you? I’m outraged.
{ 23 comments }
This was excellent! I never considered the possiblity of joining the so-called 'Mile High Club' for much the same reasons… comfort is already at a premium on a plane and nowhere is that more apparent than in the loo. And if I was dressed in my 'casual finery' and had it fumble into that stainless steel bowl…
I will never look at a single, well-dressed (as oppossed to business casual… there is a fraying to the business casual woman that detracts from their appeal for such a tryst… Verma Faminga a hollywood exception) on a plane quite the same way.
Have you considered doing some spoken word with the stuff you write? I am sure this would make for an excellent topic that has wide appeal…
I'm definitely a flip-flop gal…the Plane Dresser Upper always gives me a good laugh though.
When you fly on military flights, the hottest girls gets to ride comfortably in the cockpit. Of course, this is not an option on civilian flights since 9/11….
those heels could come in handy though. if you got stranded on an island. perfect for cracking open coconuts.
I've dressed up on planes based on who was picking me up at the airport or where I was going (i.e. Vegas). But even then I put the heels in my carry on and change shoes when I'm done trekking through the airport.
I've only sat next to date material one time on a plane too. I had already dreamed of our kids names (James, duh) and when the plane landed I knew I was going to giver her a kiss and sweep her away to FREEDOM.
She was 16.
I demand name tags and ages for everyone on an airplane. Also bladder size and cologne accumulation should be on there too.
I'm going to start wearing suits on planes. And a fedora. That's right, I said it. I'm going all 20s on you. Look out babydoll, It's Chinatown. You do you Ms Plane Dresser Upper. Let's make babies in the lav. Make sure we don't get any blue juice on my suit. Got it on discount.
Thanks Big Mark! Yes, I'm doing a storytelling show this week!! Wish you were here and could come.
Mo… flips are the best. But then too cold. Maybe I'm just too picky about plane wear.
Simone! Good point. I guess you're right. I shall bring heels for coconuts next time, although I always have my box cutters and nobody seems to ever find them.
Brooke- i guess going from vegas to LA is not so bad. If there's a hot man waiting for me, I change when i get to the airport. And brush my teeth- essential.
Rahul – Why you gonna name your kid James?
On my last trip this chick in front of me was dressed up and wearing heels. She tripped and her phone went flying. I helped her pick up her stuff and she said "that's what I get for trying to be cute." I wonder if she learned her lesson?
Man, Ms. PDU is gonna look like a fool during a crash!
I give up. I've been trying to write a comment for ages, but you totally nailed it and I've got nothing.
So instead, I just want you to know that I'm applauding…
The only time I dress up on a plane is if I need to get to a meeting the minute I land.
The PDU that topped the cake for me was on a flight to Phoenix. The girl not only had high heels, a short mini, off-the-shoulder shirt, 10 lbs. of makeup and a "beauty piercing" just above her lip…but she finished it off with a tiara on top her bleach blonde hair. Where the hell did she think she was going?
you weren't on a flight coming from Oakland last week were you, this lady was in full High Class Hooker garb, she was probably wearing spanx too, bet she had trouble getting those off ;-)
I don't understand these people either. I can't even wear flip-flops on the plane because my feet get cold.
Growing up, my best friend's dad was a pilot. So her family used to fly stand-by all the time. And they weren't allowed to wear jeans. So she had to dress up for flight.
I envied her free flights. But I didn't envy her wearing of itchy non-stretchy pants.
I sat next to what I thought was date material once on an international flight from New York to Madrid. A boy and I talked all night long. About 5 hours in, he told me he was 14. I was 17 – and mortified. Now I make sure I already have my earbuds in, and crack open a book as soon as I sit down. BTW, this is also my gym strategy.
I don't know why anyone would wear anything other than flip flops for a plane ride. They'll come in handy when we crash on a deserted island. I can't help but think those "Lost" survivors would have been less cranky hand they all dressed appropriately.
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Do not blame anyone! We can’t stand the background music either, also as I’m merely a little touch over the age of that age group.
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