Thanks, friends, for your concerned emails and for looking at me with that signature head tilt as if I’m a Haitian orphan. It’s sweet. I get it. I sound lonely and pathetic. Two weeks ago I admitted to trolling the Craigslist Missed Connections and last week I wanted someone to hold my hand while I fell asleep. If I’d read this blog, I would have been barfing all over the place and then weeping for pathetic old me.
Sigh.
It’s true that I want to be in love. I said it last week, and I can’t take it back.
But you know what’s worse than NOT being in love?
Dating.
It’s much, much worse.
Dating has so much potential to be amazing– the excitement of this new person who could possibly end up playing a huge role in your life. But then there are the smiles that melt into pained grins. And the guys who arrive an hour late. And the same conversations about siblings and birthplaces and parents. And the fake offering to pay the check. And the men who let me. And the texting afterward.
It’s all so gross.
And although I do want to be in love, I don’t want to be a dater. In fact, I’d like to announce that I’m done dating. I’m out-dated. I’m a Dater Hater. I hereby declare that I am retiring from the dating scene until 2011. No more no more no more.
This means, of course, that I should probably stop shopping at Whole Foods.
Shopping at the Whole Foods in Venice beach is no ordinary grocery experience. This particular Whole Foods is a meat market. And it also sells meat.
There are more single people in this place than produce. And the cornucopia of promiscuity is obvious with every squeeze of a cantaloupe. There are skinny girls in daisy dukes, tan yogi men in scarves, salty surfer boys, and hipsters in V-necks. They’re all dripping with sexual tension as they measure out the bulk flax seed. Scooping peas from the salad bar is the new porn. You can’t pick out a bok choy without someone complimenting your pink aura or saying, ‘You must be tired because you’ve been doing downward dog in my mind all night.’
It’s just disgusting.
And also really fucking exciting. Because there’s nothing like the hope that fills your whole being when you spot that man with the smoldering eyes in the freezer section.
THAT is the best part of being single– the hope, the anticipation, the numbness, the excitement of walking into the cookie aisle and knowing that any one of the men eyeing the gluten-free chocolate chips could be the man you wake up to for the rest of your life (And the fact that you can eat two PBJs for dinner in complete silence while naked.).
Was someone saying something about love? Maybe I prefer a lifetime of titillation at the salad bar. Now that I’m rethinking it, I can’t give it all up– the hope, the men, or the Kashi cereal. I think it’s about time I come out of retirement.
Who wants to take me out to dinner? I promise to offer to pay and not really mean it.
{ 27 comments }
Wait a second.
I've paid for dinner twice with us. Are we dating? OUTRAGE.
This is my new favorite dating blog. It's been a seamless transformation.
Well, Rahulio, this blog is about what I'm doing in my life. I happen to be dating. And, nope, not dating you. Wait…am I?
Oh, Laurenne. I will forever like your writing. You could write about psychology and math and I would read it. Even though I think you don't like me that much.
You do you, baby boo.
Oh thank god a new post. I was a little mad at you for holding out on us a whole week.
Speaking as a long time happily married person, I'll tell you, love comes from the most unexpected places. Mine did. And yes, it could even be the frozen bok choy section….
Aw Justice Grrrl! You don't even know how much that means to me! Phew. I was just about to erase this one because I thought I was such a pansy for saying I want love one week and taking it back the next.
I want to hear more about your love. Frozen peas? Under a bridge? Where?
They always say you find love when you're not looking and it's so true. It'll happen. *hugs*
My Whole Foods is nothing like this. Where's my fucking sex at the salad bar???
Conclusion: Whole Foods is conspiring with all the humans in Boston to keep me single.
I'm thinking about suing.
Brilliant.
If anyone ever asks me something about being single, I shall direct them to this post.
I was in the Venice Beach Whole Foods yesterday, and before I walked in, I checked my makeup, ate a spearmint lifesaver, and fluffed my hair. This is absolutely not normal behavior for a quick trip to the market. If I'm going to the Ralph's on Lincoln, I try harder to look frumpy, so as to avoid stares from strange looking men. Yeah, Whole Paycheck is different, a new phenomenon…however, I have to admit I do love to oggle the men in scarves and uggs. I also have to admit I do make eye contact with at least five men while inside the store. Last night was different though. It felt like a party in there. There was a band, there were several sample tables, and the whole place was buzzing with excitement, over… dinosaur kale? the newest b vitamin jelly bits? no, over being young, somewhat healthy (yeah right), and yes… you said it: SINGLE. It's the new place to see and be seen. It's so very Sex at the Salad Bar. I think I'm going to start approaching people, asking them what they think about the baby canteloupes, the rice bowls, the unchicken tacos. Why not? I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your brilliant and hysterical insights. I'll bet you 5 bucks you meet your lifelong partner in the organic peanut aisle. Just because it makes sense. And it's hilarious.
BKS – But my point is that I'm happy being single! Not that convincing? Oh. I could see that.
AWC – Boston salad sex would suck anyway. It only really works with super hippies and surfers. Come visit!
Megan! It doesn't matter how much you tell people that single is great. They will still look at you as if you're obsessed with groundhogs. It's ok though. They'll get divorced.
KATIE! I love you. Thank you for validating my Whole Foods point. I'm not the only one sweating over these yogi clichéd men. Single is the new amazing.
i have sworn off dating as well.
it's a pain in the ass. plus, i hate people.
well not all people. but stupid people. and really, there are a lot of stupid people out there.
stupid people who can't spell. stop people who speak in text speak when they are grown ass men.
stupid people who say "your hot wot r u doin."
stupid people who don't get my weird sense of humor.
stupid people who are republicans.
i don't like those people.
i want to set those people on fire.
i have an fwb and that's enough for now.
i seriously think that you and i are the same person. i still say that the whole foods in venice is fucking hell. it's like walking through a round up of the most beautiful people on the planet and not being able to touch.
i hate dating too. p.s.
hate.
it.
HATE IT.
Dating is the universe's little joke. Pretending to be in on it is the worst part.
"your hot wot r u doin."
Oh. no. The wrong 'your' and you're out.
Hipster – I need more details. NOW.
kyknoord – oh. That Universe guy is not funny at all. I'm so happy to see you read my blog! I read yours too.
Laurenne- How I met my husband…. I set him up on a blind date with my friend, and it was a disaster. We became really good friends- took about 6 months for either of us to admit we were in love with each other. 23 years later…3 kids. When you are great friends first, and then the sexual attraction clicks too, its the best. We are both totally committed to working on our own stuff first, and then the marriage. Lord knows you'll trigger each other's worst issues, but god it's nice to have someone hold your hand when you're walking over those hot coals.
Keep hope alive, and happy produce shopping!
-Hollye Dexter
Laurenne, I have discovered your wonderful blog via This Free Bird's blog! I was in LA recently, went to the whole food market, but no sex disappointingly!!
I'm pretty much on the same single woman journey as you…and also find myself changing my mind frequently about dating and love!
Your charming posts are going to be a regular read for me, love them!
xx
Wow. Brilliant. I love your blog.
And I hate dating.
And I kinda want to be in love, but don't want to say so out loud.
Oh shit. I guess I just said it, didn't I?
Oh well. If you can say it I guess I can too.
And you are so dead on about that Whole Foods. The Silverlake Trader Joe's has a little bit of that too.
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