If you buy culottes at noon on a Tuesday, I will hex you.

I’m unemployed again.
Yay!
I was able to hold a job for three weeks.
This time, I didn’t technically get fired like I did here. But my job ‘ended early,’ as they say. Actually they don’t say, but whatever. The point is that I’m back to sitting in cafes and eavesdropping.

Some great quotes so far:

“This song is Timbaland with Elton John! Elton John is getting good.”
“If I take off my fairy costume, the magic is over.” (you must imagine the silky pastel dress that accompanied this comment.)
“Should we get a breakfast burrito and roll the bootie dice?”

Bootie Dice? Gross.

Yesterday I decided not to head into a coffeehouse because I realized that spending ten bucks for hipster coffee from Papua New Guinea every day is really stupid when I’m on an unemployment budget. Plus, I know those guys in Papua New Guinea and they would never charge me 10 bucks a day for a couple coffees. Actually, they would ask me for 10 bucks a day and I would artfully whittle them down to at least 8.50.

Instead, I took myself to Border’s in the mall. And man all mighty, the mall parking lot was full. FULL. At 11:30am on a Tuesday. Packed cafes and crowded malls: What is it that I’m not getting? There’s a secret society of the self-employed in LA and none will let me in. What is the fucking secret? How do these people earn livings and never have to walk into a cubicle?

I saw a gaggle of women excitedly exiting Nordstrom Rack, and I yelled to them, ‘Hey ladies! How do you make money? How do you live in this city and pay your bills and your damn student loans and still laugh your morning away in Nordstrom Rack looking for deals on Laura Ashley culottes? How do you do it?’
They ran away from me.
But I put a hex on them, yes I did. Who’s smiling now, middle aged shoppers? Who?

Then I made some guesses:

1. These people have no shame in acquiring sugar daddies or mommas. If this is the case, I have very much no future in being a woman of leisure. I can’t do it. I feel guilty when my mom pays for me. There’s no way I could actually let a man say, ‘Baby, don’t work anymore. I’ll pay for everything.’ Gross. I would feel like I owed this man something– that I had to give him blow jobs on command. I would hate that. Sometimes I’m tired after work and I just don’t want to. Oh, wait. I wouldn’t be working. Option #1 now open for possibility.

2. These people are involved in a pyramid scheme and/or they sell knives door-to-door and make their own hours. Not doing that.

3.These people are on unemployment and/or welfare, which they are spending at Nordstrom Rack. No matter the dire circumstances of your finances, you gotta have nice throw pillows and a discounted designer pump. I get it. But I don’t qualify for either.

4.These people have answered those ‘work from home’ ads on the internet that claim ‘total financial independence from your living room.’ Those ads weren’t a scam? Fuck. I could have been stuffing envelopes for years at my own leisure. Will look into this.

5.These people don’t have any student loans or bills because their parents have paid for everything for them. That’s not an accomplishment, assholes.

6.These people are bartenders, actors, and models who work at night or don’t work at all and have only a couch from Goodwill and a bag of Cheetos in the apartment they share with 3 other people. Not into it. I need my couch from Macy’s.

7.These people have very successful blogs which they write every morning really early. And they’re funny and they have tons and tons of visitors who send their link to their friends and get even more traffic. And they make great big salaries based on ad revenue and writing opportunities, and all they have to do is write an entry every single day that makes people peel over in laughter, as evidenced by this woman. Oh, I can’t even think about these people because my skin begins to boil from hot jealousy.

One day I will figure it out. One day. For now, I will head back to the cafe. Maybe if I eavesdrop for long enough, someone from the secret society will accidentally spill the 10-dollar beans.