The ear is a funny little organ. If all other senses disappeared, the ear could tell you if you’re underwater, if people are laughing at you, if you fell through a hole that led to China, or if you have a shell held up to it (unless it gets confused and thinks it’s at the beach). The ears are smart little organs. Or, in some cases, big ones.
Now that I am back in an Enlglish-speaking country, my intelligent little orifices have been picking up the most interesting tidbits.
See, for 9 months I have been training them to find English. In a Cambodian café, for example, my little ears scanned the place for those speaking my language, those with accents, those who might be on the same route as I, ready to slink into the next destination with me.
Once my aural radar picked up a signal, I would make a new friend. Or ask for a direction. Or avoid a woman with a penchant for ‘like’. We would talk about our global experiences and how devastating Cambodia was or how many people live in Europe or what it all means in the end. My precious lobes are the reason I made so many friends abroad.
But now, with my highly-trained drums lounging in LA, I can’t stop their ultra accent-tracking ability. They no longer discern Germans from Austrians; instead they’ve morphed into expert eavesdroppers. And as I pummel through Los Angeles cafes in search of internet access and cups of chai, I can’t help but listen in. And, sadly, these tidbits are just not as intellectually stimulating as those heard in other countries. The following are some of the “conversations” I have been so lucky to hear:
(Two girls, both staring at their phones.)
-I mean, nobody likes onions.
– Yeah, I don’t think they should make them anymore.
(Guy on phone, talking loudly in cafe)
“Babe, I need to see your body really soon. I am making a new movie, and I can really imagine you in it, but I haven’t seen you in, what, a year? You’ve been going to the gym? Well, I hope you didn’t lose that butt. I love that butt. That butt’s gonna be the star of my film.”
(Guy proceeded to fall asleep on a pile of cafe pillows for the rest of my café stay.)
(Two girls with fake tans)
-I do not like her. I mean, her face looks like a dog. A total dog. I’m serious. Like, she actually looks like a dog.
-Yeah.
(Two women with big sunglasses and boots)
-I totally wanna like party tonight. Like really party. Like hardcore party.
-Me too. Totally down.
-Let’s call Light. He’ll totally be down.
-Totally.
(Waiter, pointing to empty plate) – Are you all done here?
(Patron) – Yeah, we didn’t like it.
Eruption of laughter.
(When will we Americans tire of this unfunny joke?)
(Two guys in Diesel jeans with iphones)
-Man, Ian totally cock blocked last night.
-Yeah, that guy’s a total douche bag.
(When will we stop calling people by the horrible name of a feminine cleansing product? I mean, isn’t it a compliment? A douche bag is clean. It helps women. It comes in pretty pastel boxes [I assume.] Next time someone calls you a douche bag, say ‘Thank you. Yes, I AM a clean helper of women.’)
To be fair, intelligent conversation lives well in LA. At this very moment, there must be Angelenos talking about Chinese politics, the situation in Darfur or health care reform. Those folks just, like, totally don’t happen to hang out with the unemployed at, like, 11am in Hollywood cafés. I mean, totally.
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Totally…..
Oh darlin, I was totally with you until the last two examples. That clean plate hate joke will NEVER get old and I will NEVER stopped telling it though I was once asked to stop telling these kind of jokes by a friend and it was once hinted at by my husband that maybe these kind of jokes were not the funniest thing ever. They were both wrong and so are you.
As for douchebags, I think people just find the sound of that word funny. There's something just weirdly satisfying about saying it. Speaking of which, did you see this? http://fierceandnerdy.com/?p=11138
but doucheing is bad for your vagina, as it upsets one's natural pH levels and can actually make one susceptible to nasty infections. so….i've always though of it as a very appropriate insult!
No way! The clean plate joke is not funny no matter how you look at it.
I could be especially opposed due to my 9 years of waiting tables. Three times a night equals nine times a week. Meaning I've heard the damn thing 4212 times.
And that doesn't count when my uncle or my mom says it. Maybe when it hits 5000, I will see it in a new light.
As far as douche bags go…. I hear you on the vaginal infection. But why force us to make the leap? Let's just nip it in the bud and go with vaginal infection. Next time you feel like calling someone a douche, go with vaginal infection. And if you really hate them: nasty vaginal infection.
Let's see how long it takes to catch on.
thank GOD i prepared you for the LA talk before you came back. you're welcome.
I was walking along ocean avenue in santa monica the other night. It was right around sunset, I was enjoying the smell of the ocean, the beautiful smell of fresh flowers, it was just amazing. A fellow walker comes up along side me, she says "what is that god awful smell" I was stunned. She was complaining about the smell of nature. I said, I believe that is the beautiful flowers and ocean. She just kept walking.
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