We’re gonna party like it’s 900.

At one point I said ‘no more temples.’ I admit it. I said it because I think I’ve now seen 40 million and it’s hotter than a boiling cauldron of curry out here.

Alas, I decided to hit up one more before leaving the mysterious land of religious monuments. And after a 26-hour train, a 4-hour bus, and a shared jeep I arrived in Khajuraho to spend three days bicycling around and taking in monuments. These particular temples were saved from the Mughals, who destroyed so many Hindu beauties when they took power. Jerks! The temples had been hidden in a strange part of the country (which takes a train and a bus and a shared jeep to find), plus the forest covered them completely, obscuring them more. It wasn’t until the British took over that they were brought to the government’s attention and made into a tourist attraction.

They illustrate exactly what life was like for Indians back before India was India… and they’re also quite erotic (which is the reason most people come see them.) Porn from the year 900! It looks as though nothing much has changed in the porn industry since 900. Apparently the upside-down-girl-on-girl-slam-and-go was popular then too!

Of course the temples show more than just sex. But even the daily activities carved into the temple walls appear to have been sexier in the year 900. India has sure transformed during the past 1100 years. I bet that if these temples didn’t have a religious significance (each is dedicated to a different Hindu deity), they’d have been banned. Or someone would have had to have carved clothes and scarves for all the women.

Were all the women this sexy in 900? What if the stars of these temples had to pose for the sculptors? How strenuous. What were they saying back then?

“Bashir, you carve the cooking scene. Chaitan, you get the laundry scene. And I’ll do the group orgy.”
“But, sire, I would much rather do the group orgy. Orgies are my specialty. You know that.”
“ I know, young man. I’ll never forget two Wednesdays ago. Your wife is a bullet! We have to do that again some time.”
“Thank you sir. She has spoken highly of you and your wife as well. So can I carve the orgy?”
“You get the orgy on the next temple, son.”
“But, sire, that is only a threesome. How banal.”
“All right. You take this five-some, but then I get the threesome AND the bestiality.”
“Deal! Thank you, sire. I feel an erection approaching already.”

“Pushpinder, that woman you carved looks nothing like me. Who is she?”
“That is you, my darling. The one with her face in my balls. Can’t you tell the hair is yours?”
“I can’t believe you carved me with my face in your balls! Tourists in 2009 will only see my butt; my face will never be famous.”
“Darling, your behind is already talked of throughout the land. It is what should be famous.”
“Oh all right. But on the next temple, can you please carve my face? Do a side-view with me looking outward. And then you slamming me from behind. That way, tourists in 2009 will see both my face and my booty.”
“Yes, darling.”

“Man, Gajender, why don’t we ever get invited to do fun stuff like that?”
“We shouldn’t have cut our penises off.”

Nowadays these outfits only make appearances on Western girls in music videos.

Even the pigs in this town have big sexy boobs.

Wow. This girl is holding herself up with one arm and remains completely stone-faced.

This is me on the long, sweaty bus ride.

These are all the boys staring at me on the long, sweaty bus ride.