Peeps! And it’s not even Easter.

I have fallen in love so many times on this trip (with people and cities and desserts and landscapes) that I fear my heart won’t remember how to function in normal society. I guess I am going to have to keep falling in love forever. With everyday items. That is my plan. What a lovely plan.

I cannot help but give my heart easily to strangers… the wrinkly man who tries to sell me his stomach-curing herbs by rubbing his tummy and making fart sounds. The woman with tattooed eyebrows who asks me a million questions and then surprisingly buys me my lunch.

Sure, a sunset is nice. And a local plate of mee (noodles) goes down with a sigh of satisfaction. But the people are what make it.

The following are people who have really made my heart’s dimples show:

1. Doug and Susan – Susan saw me in the lobby of my guesthouse in Alotau, PNG and said I could tag along on her hike to collect plants for a research grant. She failed to mention it was a 7-hour uphill journey through untouched jungle that required guides to machete a path before us. Hanging out with botanists was a hoot. They spoke a language of genuses and species. This Mangifera indica is riveting! Then they let me swing from a tree! I love botanists!

2. Stewart Family – I met Melissa at the meditation retreat in Australia. 10 days later when her parents came to pick her up, her mom and dad refused to let me take the 2-hour train to Brisbane. They insisted on driving me. Then they insisted on letting me stay in their house. Then they gave me a shower and a bed. Then they cooked me dinner. THEN, when I had to get to the airport by 5am, the entire family woke up at 3:30am to drive me to the airport. THEN, they parked, walked me in to get to my boarding pass, AND BOUGHT ME BREAKFAST! Then, they escorted me to the gate and waved to me as I boarded the plane. Yes, they really did all that. And they didn’t steal anything from my bag. I’m still in shock.

3. Fergus Kelley – For work, he deactivates landmines in Laos or treats AIDS patients in Africa. For fun, he visits orphanages or Thai prisoners with unjust sentences. He’s probably the most sincere and compassionate person I’ve met. Ever.

4. Butterfly waiter – When we entered the Butterfly Garden restaurant in Cambodia to a lack of butterflies, we asked the waiter where they all were. “Dead,” he replied completely deadpan. He was serious and his simple clarity still has me laughing two months later. Dead!

5. Bree and her mom – After a two-minute conversation, they had invited me to the party of the year in Alotau. I saw traditional dances, ate wine and cheese!, and met the who’s who of the Papua New Guinean beach community. And they saved me from Mr. Palm Tickler (see below).

6. Nick – This Kiwi actually gave me the shirt off his back when I was cold in Sydney. Who does that? Nick does. After meeting the douches below, this guy restored my faith in the gentleman.

7. Mrs. French – When I lost my camera during a swift trot at the horse camp, Mrs. French spent hours overturning leaves to find it. Don’t tell her that a monkey broke it anyway.

8. Frenchie – Most men are positive that a woman traveling alone must be lonely and horny and yearning to sleep with him. He had no such thought (out loud)! Plus, he spent hours in cafes with me doing crosswords. And he told me bedtime stories!

9. The village trek/pii mai team. Maya, Danielle, Lindy, Erica, Anne, Paul, Pieter, harada, Joya, Mads. Who knew such a random group could get along… a 40-yr-old teacher from Africa, a posh 19-yr-old couple, a bunch of hippies, 2 loudmouths, and some crazies. I’ve never felt so at home.

10. Suan Mokkh nun – she has the smallest voice and emits peace wherever she walks. But her English is what drew me in. “If you know some old peoples, maybe you can taught them this excercises. Sometimes some old peoples have some problems in bones. Arthritis, yes. And maybe you can taught them this exercises to help them. Maybe your parents are old peoples. Or maybe your grandparents are old peoples. You should teach them this exercises. If they are old peoples.”

Unfortunately, there are almost as many people who really piss off my heart. But they make for good stories:

1. Bed masturbator – A French guy I shared a room with thought that, since I couldn’t see him through the mosquito nets, it would be ok to..um…have a party for one. But I could sure hear him. Go masturbate on your own watch, buddy. Sick! I left immediately the moment the sun showed up.

2. Palm tickler – ew. This guy let me know he wanted to do me by slipping me the old tickly-finger-in-a-handshake trick. I felt dirty immediately. To be fair, I probably looked like a prostitute in Papua New Guinea as a woman traveling alone. But still! That trick is so seventies!

3. Cyclo driver – This man screwed me over for a hundred dong. Jerk! Ha, I said dong.

4. Dick in sydney – This jerkwad squeezed my boob quite roughly the moment after the flash illuminated. Then, when I didn’t slap him, he told me he owed his baby momma loads of money because his pull-out method didn’t work during a one-nighter in Singapore.
“Didn’t you wear a condom?” I asked.
“Are you kidding?”

6. Bus pukers – if you get motion sickness, maybe you should find transportation other than public bus. This couple, one of their mothers, and a baby sat next to us at the start of the 12-hr ride to Luang Prabang. All three adults puked the entire ride. Not only did they try to pawn their baby off on us for 12 hours, but they puked in bags, tied them in knots, and left them all over the floor!

7. Thai swindler – A very fat lady at the tourism office with a sweet face and matching voice lied to me about my visa, telling me I had to pay a whole lotta money to renew it. She told me I would get arrested if I didn’t and gave me 10 minutes to decide. The minute I had handed over the money, I realized it was a hoax. Whore.