Clue Poo

Our guide, Jay, spoke a beautiful broken English, exaggerating his yesses and nos and lisping a bit like most Thais do. It was fun to listen to and kept me awake since he talked quite a lot. About everything. He knew more about the park than I know about my mother. Did you know that those old Banyan trees that look all wise and profound and sort of resemble a messy head of dreadlocks are actually parasitic? They start growing on the top of a tree downward. Eventually, after hundreds of years, they kill the original tree and look themselves like a beautiful tree worth climbing. What a sham! I will no longer look deeply at those trees for answers again.

A group of 6 of us followed Jay for a 3-hr trek, repeating his jungle tidbits to ourselves so we wouldn’t forget. At times, Jay would hold up his hand and motion for us to look into a tree. The first guys we spotted were long-tailed squirrels chasing each other from branch to branch. We then came to a clearing and stood in silence. A woodpecker screamed “Good Morning!” from the top of a tree just next to us. We heard more squirrels as well, who make a sort of clicking sound unlike anything I’ve heard from nature. Then we heard the hornbills. They are big-beaked black birds whose bodies are heavy and whose wings span about one-and-a-half meters. It sounded like a million eagles were landing in the clearing. But it was just one swooping hornbill. I named him Henry, which completely insulted him. “I already have a name, thanks.” he said, pissed. Whoops.

A giant black squirrel.

As we walked on, we passed holes dug by wild pigs and brightly-hued wild ginger (an elephant’s favorite, Jay said). We saw skinny snakes and centipedes and roly-polies that curled up into the most iridescent of marbles. We walked through several salt licks peppered with butterflies. Who knew butterflies liked salt? The licks were the main reason the wild elephants stayed in the park. But, Jay told us in a defeated tone, we probably wouldn’t see any this season. They’d be on the other side of the park. Same went for wild tigers. They were quite elusive and only his cousin had been fortunate enough to set eyes on one. Jay had seen black bears though. He made sure to tell us to make lots of noise if we saw one. Fear invites them to eat you.

At lunch, a deer pulled up close to our table. She was so large, I thought someone was moving an oversized lawn ornament. We couldn’t believe how close she came.

“She’s delusional,” said a French man with a thick accent. “I am afraid… she is dying.”

He pointed to the deer’s neck, home to a large round bloody wound. It looked pretty grody, and a sadness brewed over our table. Of course, I thought it my duty to do something. “Jay,” I pleaded. “Can we please save her!? Is there a vet nearby?”

Calmly, Jay told me that this particular deer was looking for a date. Each year around this time, she seeps out a strong puss from an oozing neck wound to get potential mates to ask her out. I am scared to look online, but my hunch says I can find some Texans who reenact this each year.

After lunch, we jumped in the truck, heading toward a look-out point. But as we rounded a corner, a similar pick-up driven by an excited Thai stopped us. Some exchange was had between drivers and our pick-up raced to pull-over a few meters ahead. Jay jumped in the back with us, eyes bulged to the max. “Shhhh….”

We stared at the green in front of us for a minute. Two minutes. Three. Then we heard it. A rustling. A loud rustling. Then a pause. And some rude chewing. It could only mean wild elephants! Another truck stealthily pulled up beside us in neutral. We waited, whispering excitedly and listening to the chewing. Jay got out to peek through the bushes but warned us that these elephants, if angry, can do serious damage. He stayed close. We listened until the noises trailed off, down into a ravine. The search was on.

Like Don Johnson, we sped through the forest on a hasty elephant chase. And just like the clever cops in Miami Vice, we pulled into a spot on the side of the road, waiting for the perps to cross us and validate our prediction. They didn’t come. So we made a new prediction and raced there. We found tracks. And poo. And followed scents. We waited out of sight. We chewed gum loudly and scratched our groins. They still didn’t show, even after we put on Ray-Bans. We made a last prediction and raced there, now in the darkness, to a spot not far from the original. And there it was… more rustling and chewing. They were enjoying some delicious red ginger just a foot away. This time we could see the branches moving. If they just walked into the street, our 3-hour search would not be for naught. But when the amount of mosquitoes matched the amount of fireflies, we left. Defeated. We felt more like Erik Estrada during his infomercial days than in his hotshot cop days.

Then, as we exited the park, Jay got a call. Our truck screeched back to the grassland in mere seconds. There, a pick-up was waiting with a bright light. The excited driver gave us a nod that said, ‘Are you ready for this shit?’ We were ready.

I screeched with glee as his powerful wattage revealed 2 huge beasts in the middle of the field. They were round with smooth gray skin, and had I not known we were on the search for the elephants, I would have mistaken them for boulders. To me they looked naked, and I felt like a peeping Tom flashing a light on them in their own environment. The first one (who I did not give a name for fear of attack) grumbled something and made his way closer, into the middle of the street right in front of us. Woohooo! The other stayed behind in the grass probably due to fear of anal probing, thinking our bright lights were shining from a spaceship.

The first elephant was just a few meters away from me. I fought hard the urge to run up and hug him. I really did. I saw his tusks. I wanted to tell him how lucky he was to be an elephant in an untouched park with lots of good food and still have his tusks. But, as quickly as we had come, we sped away.

Jay said we were lucky to have seen them. I thought we were lucky before the sighting, just to spend the morning in leech socks with hornbills and the evening barefoot and chasing elephants.

Stuff like this. This is why I haven’t been writing.

A clue!

A stakeout!

They are around here somewhere.

Another officer on the case.

The perp.