Help! Vietnam is in a nutshell!

Nam is a long narrow country, almost the shape of an ‘S’. I guess it is an ‘S’ written by a quill pen dipped in too much ink. I arrived on the top, near China, and made my way along the curves by bus. Here is a run-down of the cities and what happened where:

HA NOI
Vietnam’s capital and home of the beloved Ho Chi Minh. He was the communist leader who helped lead North Vietnam to victory. I’m not sure if people like him, but it’s actually required by the government, so they all say they do. Citizens come from near and far to see Ho Chi Minh and bring him offerings. Although he’s been dead since 1969, his body has been stuffed and put on display. It’s weird. I mean, it’s a dead body. Not the typical tourist attraction. (“Hey Phil, let’s go see the temple, then we’ll lounge in some beach chairs, and end with the viewing of a cold corpse! How about it?”)

This was my least favorite city in Vietnam. I guess if I would have been around in the 70’s, I would have fought for the south.

Two Chihuahuas for sale at a market near Hanoi. It’s believed dogs are good luck if eaten near the end of the month.

HALONG BAY
A contender for the title of 8th wonder of the world, it’s definitely a mind-boggling place. Thousands of tiny islands sprinkled around one bay makes you wonder how they got there. But the amount of kitchy tourist boats, pollution in the water, and desperate women rowing up to each porthole to sell you a bag of Oreos is not my idea of a place to sit and wonder. However, the quality of tourist on my kitchy boat was superb. And the best part: monkeys!

HUE
This city is one many touists skip, so I loved it. Especially with the German and the Greeks. We took it upon ourselves to find the Vinh Moc tunnels, a 3-story underground shelter that housed up to 60 families during the war. Imagine not seeing the sun for 6 years. My tan would be, like, totally non-existent. 17 babies were born here, in the hospital wing, which is just another tunnel. My grandma always bragged about being born on a kitchen table. But I’m gonna say tunnel babies make for a better story.

Imagine being stuck in this hole for 6 years.

Hue (pronounced ‘hway’) is also the place where a Buddhist monk told my fortune. According to him, I will have a daughter with one man and two boys with another, which means I will either be divorced, widowed, or have an illegitimate baby. With all that unprotected sex lately, I‘m probably pregnant now. No wonder I’ve been craving cement tacos.

HOI AN
My favoritist place in Vietnam. I think I will retire here. It’s a French colonial town chock full of buzzing markets, glowing lanterns, and flaky pastries. I rented a bicycle and followed the river to the beach, passing lush palm trees and bobbing fishing boats all the way. I could not help repeating, “This is the life…This is the life.” Until a fisherman asked me to please be quiet.

The specialty of this town is tailor-made clothing. I had 2 formal dresses made specifically for my body, each only $20. It took all my strength to NOT order a pair of knee-high boots made of soft brown leather, specially crafted to my oddly-shaped dogs. They were $32! But I refrained, as I am trying to rough it. Man, it really took all I had.

This is the view from my favorite cafe. I ate about 40 croissants while in Hoi An.

NHA TRANG
This is the Cancun of Vietnam. I only stayed 2 nights since I am American and have lived through several spring breaks already. I think I’ve been drunk enough times in my life to never have to be drunk again. Perhaps the next time I get drunk will be on my wedding day. Out of necessity.

You might have heard it on the news. I was crowned Queen of the Ocean!

DA LAT
This is the mountain town of Vietnam, where the climate is best for growing coffee, wine, and Gerber daisies. The atmosphere here was so relaxed, nobody tugging your sleeve to spend money. I felt safe and comfortable. And cold. Unfortunately, my blind aunt wouldn’t even wear the ugly “hand-made” sweaters sold on each corner. I know I am trying to rough it and all, but I ain’t wearing knitted ruffles. They sell hot drinks out of carts in the markets, and I tried one made of sugar, green beans, and soy milk. Not bad!

Dalat is also the barrio of adventure sports, so it is here where I went canyoning (or scaling waterfalls). I also signed up for a mountain bike tour, which taught me tons about the lives of local people. I rode 94 kilometers in one day through villages and valleys, and I have to say I rather liked it. I saw each hill as a mental challenge. The downhills were better though.

We stopped at a silk factory. I had no idea silk was made from silkworms. Doy! These are a bunch of cocoons. After they spin the silk, they eat the worms.

SAI GON
I am pretty sure Ho Chi Minh City is just a name given to appease the Communist government, as most people still call it Saigon. This is the most modern of cities in the country; big malls, supermarkets, and Coffee Beans linger among the traditional markets, street vendors, and throngs of motorbikes. The city is full of odd junxtapositionings: I ate a gourmet cheese sandwich from a posh supermarket reminiscent of Whole Foods while toothless old women sold hard-boiled eggs and stinky dried fish from straw baskets right in front.

I would have loved to explore the city more, but the fumes really did a number on my stomach. I couldn’t breathe without wishing my stomach would shrivel up and fall out of me. So, I did a lot of reading in the fetal position. I recommend these 2 books for a local view on the war and on Vietnamese customs: “The Girl in the Photo” by Denise Chong & “When Heaven and Earth Changed Places” by Le Ly Hayslip.

This is a local tailor. I am guessing the finished clothes don’t come on a hanger and in a plastic bag.

Overall, a month in Vietnam was not enough. I did not get to explore the Mekong Delta like I’d planned. But when it came time to either renew my visa or jet, I chose to skedaddle. The place is beautiful and interesting, but having to watch your back gets old quick. Peace out, Nam!