shhhh….

From afar we looked like a lifestyle ad for Sears outdoor furniture, an eclectic group of 25 educated adults sharing dinner on a large teak veranda. But up close we might have looked angry, no one smiling or talking. In fact, we weren’t even interacting with each other, too busy counting our bites, feeling our breaths, or noticing where our bodies exactly met the chair and where our feet graced the wood floor.

All 25 of us, from different paths and provinces, came together for 10 days of silent Vipassana meditation. And 10 days of serious meditation did not allow for dinner time chatter. I didn’t know this when I arrived. I actually had no idea what to expect, only having read a few web pages about the practice before I landed at the forest monastery in Byron Bay on the East coast of Australia.

Originally I started this whole 9-month trip with the hope of becoming less anxious and more confident. The advertising industry did a number on my self-esteem, and I thought a year of traveling on my own might repair it. I promised myself I would make the trip a spiritual one and not a party one. So it was a no-brainer to spend 10 of my 34 days traveling Australia in a forest with a monk. Silent. I can’t imagine telling my 18-yr-old self that I would one day give up parties to hang out with Buddhists.

This being one of my first spiritual experiences, my stomach felt braided as I approached the monastery driveway. I was scared to be without music for ten days. And without the news. I really did almost cry when I found out I’d be in a silent state during Obama’s inauguration.

Mainly I was scared of monks. Religious people make me nervous, I guess. Perhaps it’s because they believe in something so strongly, and I can’t relate. Or perhaps it’s because I feel like they can read my mind. I didn’t want any monk to know my thoughts. What if I happened to imagine a vibrator while in the company of a monastic?

Thankfully, Pannyavaro, although a very opinionated man, happened to be a calm and welcoming monk. Upon arrival, I saw him in his short robe watering the flowers. His black socks pulled up to his calves made me smile. Plus, the place itself was instant calm. The tranquil green forest seemed to give Xanax to the butterflies in my stomach.

I sat on my bunk bed in silence while the others bustled around and settled in. I found solace in the fact that everybody looked a bit nervous. Maybe everyone shared my fear of monks.

That night, as we gathered in the meditation hall for the first of many times, Pannya spoke while we drank in his words as if they held some secret ingredient that could cure us of any ailment. I noticed we were leaning forward like sunflowers.

“We clean out our closets,” he said. “And we clean out our nails. But we never clean out our minds.”

He had a point, I thought. Over the next 10 days we learned how. It was a long process, much more complicated than I can explain here. But it was worth it. My brain feels lighter, the build-up scrubbed out by my meditative toothbrush.

Basically, the practice enables precise attention to the body– where it’s exactly located, how it moves when it breathes, how the feet move during walking, etc. For example, if I am standing and I drop a pen, I will be saying to myself as I move slowly to pick it up: “bending, bending, reaching, reaching, feeling pen, feeling pen, grabbing pen, grabbing pen, retracting arm, retracting arm, standing, standing.” This is how we treat every action, every single action… for ten days straight. And then we follow those actions with the labels that bring us back to our anchor position: “standing, standing, breathing, breathing.”

It requires moving and eating slowly. It requires hours of sitting and walking meditation. It requires an enormous amount of strength and willpower. The magic of labeling movements became apparent to me when I would catch myself thinking. At first I woudn’t notice my labeling had been shoved out of my mind by some sort of thought. But after becoming close with my body, I would notice a lack of movement in my stomach, a tightening, the manifestation of anxiety. Then I would realize that my mind had taken a detour, and I had let a wood carving in the yard remind me of a toy from childhood which then led me to think about my cousin from Indiana, which then led me to wonder whether or not she ever got divorced, which then led me to think about relationships which then led me to wonder if I’ll ever have one again and yada yada yada. That’s just what brains do… they wander. And if you don’t stop them, they can wander all day, formulating thoughts about the future and ultimately leading to worry or restlessness. It happens to most people, but most people don’t stop to notice. They do notice, however, that sometimes they’ve just driven to work or just eaten breakfast and they don’t even remember doing it. It was because their brains were off wandering about, causing them unneccessary grief.

Vipassana is not just about clearing the mind. It gets much deeper than that. Supposedly, experienced meditators see their feet or torso become invisible (or I guess they don’t see it.). I spent time at the first stage, just becoming more and more aware of my thinking and catching it before it took off in ten directions. By catching it and not judging it, it stops.

It sounds crazy and maybe it is. But it helped me tremendously. I feel empty in a good way. And more patient. In ten days of doing nothing, I was never once bored. Paying close attention to my abdomen rising and falling is something i can do while waiting in line or waiting for Catalina to finish curling her hair. I can already feel a new patience emerging.

I have to admit that during day 8 I cracked and ate a piece of toast really really quickly without labeling my bites. And although I wasn’t supposed to be noticing the others, I had names for them like ‘loud snorer,’ ‘Mrs. Roeper pants,’ and ‘yellow crocs.’

I wasn’t the best meditator, and I didn’t reach enlightenment. But my life has definitely changed for the better. I would recommend Vipassana to anyone and everyone. We’ve all got some brain crud that needs clearing.

If interested, check out buddhanet.net
Donate to Pannya and his wonderful forest monastery here.
More Vipassana info here.