Bikini waxes and grocery shopping: Two things I feel obligated to do even though thinking of doing them actually hurts me physically. When the time comes to shop or wax, I usually create some kind of obstacle to prolong my arrival. I’ll feel a sudden urge to download a Rob Base song. I’ll decide the ice trays need a very thorough cleaning. Or I’ll be delighted to see that the lone string hanging from my sweater sleeve would make a perfect leash for the spider on my wall. Anything to keep a stranger from pouring hot wax on my fox hole or finding myself in line surrounded by gossip magazines to pay $80 for a cartful of shit that will go bad in my fridge. Yes, most things go bad in my fridge. It’s because I am single. The grocery experience happily reminds me of that with every 10-for-10 deal on yogurt.
A sweep through the supermarket is no Supermarket Sweep. The entire grocery experience is horrifying, and as I approach the supermarket doors, my hands tremble, not at all soothed by the hand wipes now provided to clean each cart handle before use. I’m probably one of LA’s premier germaphobes, and I don’t even think the hand wipes are necessary. This is LA. Girls will give blow jobs to strangers in bar bathrooms or drop vaginal fluids onto movie seats because of their mini “dresses.” But they can’t touch a cart that some single mother just touched? Really?
As I head inside, my nipples furiously protest. I understand that foodstuffs should be cold so as not to spoil, but every supermarket I’ve ever been in is colder than my mother-in-law’s heart. Not really. I don’t have a mother-in-law (as established), but I’ve always wanted to throw in a M-I-L joke so I could get a mainstream laugh. Hey Raymond, everybody loves ME now!
I weave through the tundra-like produce section, stopping only to grab some bananas and pre-cut carrots. Because who the hell has time to cut their own carrots these days? I’m so thankful some genius came up with prepackaged mini carrots, saving the innocent from ever having to eat a full-size carrot. Seriously. The horror.
In an attempt to save a few cents, I occasionally get caught up comparing the price-per-ounce of ketchup or the price-per-ply of toilet paper. But once I become aware of my stalling, my nipples insist I pick up the pace. Must get out. Must be free of this stew of unnecessary goods.
And then it happens. Every time. My cart spins past the twenty types of tortillas for sale on the end of the bean aisle and gets stuck behind a Slow Shopper.
The Slow Shopper is always in front of you, never behind. She peruses the sauces, reading every last ingredient. Somehow, she always seems to wedge herself between an aisle and a display of pie crusts or fluorescent flexi-straws, depending on the season. She blocks you in and unknowingly bends to inspect the vegetable oil just as you attempt a pass. She never seems to notice that your nipples stand as much chance as a mole in a dermatologist’s office, and this nonchalance is MADDENING. Unfazed by the subzero temperature and the sold-out veggie burgers that had been advertised 2-for-1, she waddles through the aisle and won’t let you through. Her constant indecision over Fuji or Golden Delicious prevents a swift grab at the pre-cut carrots. You’ll never get around her or in front of her. Her cropped cargo pants mock you as you try because they know any attempts to speed up the Slow Shopper are futile.
Mrs. Slow Shopper, have you nothing else to do with your day? Do you actually enjoy shopping or do you simply enjoy any time spent outside of your house? On behalf of most shoppers, I’d like to tell you: MOVE.
NOTE: This post did not cover the Bluetooth Shopper or the Couple Shoppers, also funny humans but sold separately.
{ 65 comments }
Shoppaphiles and cheap tortillas notwithstanding, can you provide the address of the aforementioned bars where nameless fellatio is being performed?
I believe that’s anywhere on Hollywood Blvd. Have you walked around there lately on a Saturday night? Let’s go. For fun.
Also, I said it was nameless, but I never said it was free. Bring cash.
We both talked about we hate people in public today. Why do we leave the house? All we do is complain about people getting in our way. It would be a lot easier if we just sat at home with our 10 for 10 yogurts and pizza for ones and then we wouldn’t have anything to complain about. But then maybe we couldn’t be bloggers. Catch 22. Bloggers be complaining. OR something.
I think I might be the slow shopper. I was in front of you reading the difference in caloric content between Nutrigrain bars and the generic NO-tro Grain bars. Gotta keep my figure. I apologize for stopping you from getting hit on by hippies at the Whole Foods. I know that’s your thing. .
Damn, you didn’t reply to my comment. Guess it wasn’t good enough. I’m jealous. I’ll try harder next time.
(Spoiler alert: I won’t).
Oooooh! A threat! I love it.
I responded on YOUR blog, you little figure watcher.
And the Slow Shopper doesn’t apply to the Whole Foods experience. It’s all good to go slow in there. Especially around the salad bar section. That’s where the hook-ups happen.
the nerve some people have. do they ever think about anyone else’s nipples but their own?
Seriously! I think about everyone’s nipples ALL the time. That’s okay, right?
I like to ‘Spam’ unwary slow shoppers :)
In the supermarket, does this actually mean you throw a can of Spam at them? Or do you just ask for their emails and send them offers on penis enlargement later?
With a name like mine, you have to ask;)
I’m a bit of a slow shopper. I have so few excuses to leave my house. And ever since you wrote about hormones flying at the Whole Foods salad bar, I’ve been hopeful. Also, sometimes the cats just want their alone time.
On behalf of myself and fellow slow shoppers, I apologize to your nipples.
You are correct! I should have stipulated: It is entirely acceptable to be a Slow Shopper in Whole Foods, especially if you get a number or two out of the deal. In Ralph’s, Jewel, or Publix where fluorescent lighting is king, it is not.
Thank you for the reminder.
“Hey Raymond, everybody loves ME now!”
AHAHAAA.
I hope your next post includes a Home Improvement joke.
Wilson! Show your face!
Right? His name was Wilson? Or was that the volleyball in Castaway? Shit. I don’t remember.
[Note to self: Bring Wet Wipes to the movies, wipe seat]
And you just *know* when the bitch finally gets to the checkout stand she’s going to pay with a goddamn check instead of quickly swiping her card like a normal person.
that’s my mom! Still writing checks. I don’t get it.
While reading these comments, I was thinking about how I don’t really hate any public caricatures, but then I realized that’s because I’m so many of them including Slow Shopper (though it should be noted that I don’t even own cargo pants), Returning Email and Walking Girl, Driving Really Slow When I’m Not Sure Where I’m Going Person, Slowing Down When It Rains Driver, Refusing To Take My HeadPhones Out When People Try To Talk To Me Customer, Buying One Cup Of Coffee And Sitting At Starbucks For Hours Writers.
So many … but then I think we all do something that annoys others in public — it’s just some of us are way worst than others.
Yes! I do not deny that I own the characteristics of every single Funny Human, except The Ghayter. Because I don’t hate gay people or show up at Gay parades to protest. I have also been the Slow Shopper at times, but only in warmer markets like Whole Foods. Never at Ralph’s. In that one, you gotta get out. I mean, sometimes I wear THREE layers, and I’m still freezing. Don’t know how anyone works there.
Even if you’re a Slow Shopper, Ernessa, I would never hate you! Plus, I would happily be a Buying One Cup of Coffee and Sitting At Starbucks for Hours chick with you.
I’m glad I’m no the only one who has a stinky fridge! Of course, it’s only the produce that goes bad. If it’s made from sugar, chocolate, bacon, or some artery-hardening substance, it’s in my belly before it goes bad. :D
“her cropped cargo pants mock you…” a new level of LOL genius, even for you, my friend :) I wonder of Slow Shoppers have some inherent GPS system” I mean, they just KNOW when you want to veer left to squeeze by them bc in that nano second, they veer left too, blocking you to freedom. ARGH!
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Slow shoppers – in old days of neighborhood family owned mom&pop grocery stores, you phoned in an order, an actual person answered the phone, took the order, and delivered it to your home – for free. Today, you can put a professional shopper on retainer or send or kids/grandkids/or someone else’s kids to the store. You now have more time to watch another dose of reality-show-xxxx, become a closet case, or lace up your boxing gloves for another round of facebooktcuffs.
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Bi spring some carefully looked at me and said: uh – I was secretly Yi Tan, this girl, how she grasped what this issue does not let go! Case, what vulnerabilities may well, ah ~ ~ Bi Chun looked at me strange question: over over, do not forget the ancient grapevine gossip extension of meaning of a ~ Well, the saying goes, one after another ah. Is really a headache ~ ~ But criticism that the royal family, is guilty of the law, ah! a memory to know the nature Pitt spring, otherwise I really think she is a master face it, this is definitely the best to put a modern actress ah! ,louboutin chaussures! I leaned in to look,Christian Louboutin Pas Cher, most of which is mainly plain, quiet and elegant though plain, but a young girl wearing of such factors, even more frail a down. asked her, I Lile on a white dress walked to the main hall. Because before the illness has caused me to be placed outside the homes of bamboos in the original Court, the tall bamboo cabinet bamboo name suggests the main Guardian Fuchu stocked with a separate courtyard,sac louis vuitton, self-contained. The lobby also known as Yin Yu Tang. Yan Yu Church there is a garden, there are different kinds of seasonal flowers, perennial worship, and I will be all right when Yan reputation in the flower garden to be on the court for a little while. Yan Yu but today is really four large hall open. in my mind, in addition to the award aims to Yan Yu Church outside is almost open. Today, how would …… of tea. An attitude of life is not scared of the way, happy with the way the photograph of my father starker. ranks, so it is easy to get great seats. Xuan children can not blame the dad is like. only,sac louis vuitton, Fengfengguangguang want to leave, how will that consent Princess Yin Fei. But then resumed their senses,sac vuitton, for the autumn tea Yi Chen also said: I stood not know what to do, my father touches into a meditation, some people looked kind of sad expression. every moment will have passed the words of the Wei Gonggong servant came to where, how long before there will be here. Wei on the fifth coming in, said: what is. : respectful in his father’s side of the rear kneeling, head bowed, the sound only heard a horseshoe, and is the father of the tip eunuch voice: father to head touch the ground, shouted loudly: my father’s actions as, bent over the body, head bumped, the father I can not even wear shoes in sight. two sons of two Queen Princess, choose a really good time married hereby hear the minister of revenue and two women Xuan Wei Ling’s JobHunting skilled and generous, outstanding appearance, the Queen Mother and I even heard of Yue. In this rather mysterious three princes have twenties, married the marriage, when women choose Yin and distribution. 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My dad is the kind of woman can not live away from people, to a woman, he can eat anything hard, toiling, carry a large bag, but for us he will not. Sueko 6 years old, his mother because his father could not bear the proper job and leaving her and her sister go into exile. Leaving the mother did not let my father come to their senses, but more indulgence,louis vuitton sac, set the expense of two young daughters, lives alone to run out. Lost their parents sheltered sisters,chaussures christian louboutin, the same as the growth of weeds. Days passed, now Sueko has been married, the father remains unchanged, drinking, fighting, looking for a woman, Sueko have to pay to settle these things to help his father. 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My dad had this life is too dark, and by the patience, the nuts on how kind, because he ought not lazy, my mother in my 6 years old, left home, leaving the mother stimulate the father, not long, he went to leave, he put my sister and foster care with relatives, commitment to people food, but never realized before, relatives did not take his way,Tianjin web – there namely still frozen inside his, put the gas are spread me and my sister who my sister and I looked down upon in the relatives and abuse in day by day to live. relatives was not shelter us, the house is sold by my father, we had no place to live, live to the water in the house unit dedicated father to grant us eat a big bag of bread , bread, long hair, and my sister and I would then eat. The winter,Liuzhou woman nude photos actress to leave their homes (2 ), my sister and the trousers are ice fit for the occasion. 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At work in the factory, my dad rarely see us, and the woman he was busy doing business, when they have been doing very good, although not earn big money,sac vuitton, but live no problem, but the woman to my dad ideas, him a lot of goods on credit, and then pulled the field low-cost treatment, not giving money to those goods on credit to his people very angry, to find him, scared my dad did not dare to return to Tianjin, and the woman had to hide to the field. to stir up trouble my dad hid out until five or six years has returned to Tianjin, the woman has left him. Oddly enough, my dad is a woman steal away, no one is good from the good dispersion. In his hide in those years, I and my sister are married, then divorced and my sister. My dad came back,sac louis vuitton, or keep looking for a woman, sometimes with a woman to me who lived a few days, I did not feel particularly face, which let the mother know, how to see me? I advised him to do so, he did not listen. Earlier this year, my dad and a woman opened a salon, because a customer did not give money, my dad put people seriously wounded, police detained him, my dad the man not at all strong , supposedly got into trouble should bear down, but he sent word to us again and again, that soft words, saying he wanted to turn over a new leaf and seek us save him. Although I am angry, but after all he is my dad. I fight the West by the East, collected thousands of dollars out of his ransom, the thought he could secure a few days days, did not think you have not seen for two months, he was hurt, this is a fight with others, others he was stabbed and severely wounded. I received a phone call at 2:00, the uncle told me that your dad was stabbed. We took him to the hospital the night, the doctor gave him to do the surgery, who knows he has high fever after surgery, we take the ice to his fever, and finally there is no way the doctor said, try it on a breathing machine. My dad is also a great life, he miraculously survived. He lived for two months in the hospital, hospital costs spent six or seven million. Poke him run, I find the woman for money, after all, my dad is out of the thing for her, she said, not so much money, only to a few thousand dollars. My dad was discharged after a fight with this woman, she too was outside, I said he was embarrassed, so he is looking for people who he wanted for his loyalty? my dad both accident, so I owe a lot of debt,sac vuitton Small -San microblogging – Zhejiang Zhejiang official microblogging, we are after all a small business, the number of savings? At this point, I am particularly grateful to my husband, I gave my dad money to buy things, he never stopping. In fact, he quite hated my dad, my dad no matter what we suspected, these said Tuesday he is listening to me, and I did not told him things at home. Sometimes I think my husband who married me luck too, to help other families are Laozhang Ren Uncle, my father always drag him. My dad and scattered after the woman, not long to find one, my dad is the kind of woman can not live away from people, but to a woman, he can eat anything hard, toiling , carry a large bag, but for us he will not. The woman’s husband died, also with a son. To let him live well, I gave them rent a room, give him a thousand dollars a month for living expenses, plus his salary, life is not a problem. few months later, I took him to hospital for review, because the past few years he has been drinking, meal at least half a catty white wine, walking shaking, and I worried that he drank out of a good and bad. I led him to do the ECG, blood flow becomes a good number of checks, the results did not exceeded a doctor to see list let him hospitalized, and I said no one here to take care of his patient, let him go home treatment, I money, so stay with my sister. month later he returned, looking like a normal person, he assured me that no longer drink, and drink his who also sorry. not repent Well, not long after, he began to drink, whenever I hear him talk to me drunk, I had a bad week this one. He is now covered disease, diabetes, high blood viscosity, blood pressure, doctors say he’s sick touch liquor will not live long. I advised he did not listen, you always complain to me, that he a lot of pressure, the child so small, that is, the woman’s son. He said the boy told his father not at home and does not speak all day head down. I thought to myself, when I and my sister is not his burden, and now other people’s children has become a burden to him, is really ridiculous. I advised him of the good little children, you as a charity to make up for the year due to us. few years ago, I found my mother, she flies very well, but she is a very strong person, who is not seeking, not like my dad. She said she was sorry that we, when we are thrown into, she will not let us old pipe. I said to her, really 到了那一天, I will not no matter. my dad know I went to my mother very angry and asked me, why you find her, she was so cruel to you. My dad hated my mother, he always said to my mother put him into harm’s way, I do not know what my mother to harm him. Hospital that my father, my mother learned of crying, my dad sent back to five thousand dollars. My dad talks about death now put at every turn, I hear very uncomfortable. Relatives say, why did you save him, do not stay in there like it? I listened very tangled, if I did not save him out, he would not back out of things,sac louis vuitton, will no longer drink. Maybe I saved him, but actually hurt him. [Muqiong that conscience] so heartless selfish father, people really speechless! In him, I do not see a trace of his father’s glory. There are only bottomless dark, arbitrary alive. I would like to know when her daughter to buy him clothes, food, give him a living, he is remembered hungry young daughter wearing the trousers fit for the occasion with ice shivering in the cold ; when her daughter took him to the hospital again and again when the physical examination, he remembered when he said the hard words of his daughter – I want her, do not you; when her daughter to spend hundreds of thousands of veering to save him, he asked his daughter whether to do business and how to face the hardships her husband’s eyes. He should not be thought about, or will not let him worry about his daughter again and again for the effort. He not only thought, but are they do not have that sense, whenever there is a little conscience will not let his daughter so difficult. hope Sueko cherish their father’s body, in their lifetime to appreciate the father Sueko taste, but also live Sueko as he spent his money and a heart. flash site Muqiong: what you can use one word to describe the childhood it? Sueko: how to find it so hard! Muqiong: I think he is unfit to be your father, do you think? Sueko: he does not think so. I asked him why, regardless of whether we? My dad would say, how to you do not control me, at least not to sell you. I really want to say, you might as well sell it to us. He said Tuesday more than once for me and my, I’d rather have those women, do not you. He hit us because of a woman. Once I beat up a woman, the woman with a knife after me, he either. Muqiong: you hate your father? Sueko: I do not hate him, let him live several more years. I think my mom was particularly good, you let him live several more years, or else he has wronged you to save his money. If he did, I was relieved, but I hope he keep good health,Louboutin Pas Cher, live several more years, his heart is not bad, but what Germany did not plot. Muqiong: he then for you, and you still so filial. Sueko: he is not doing any responsibility, and each gave me a great burden, and sometimes I thought I was not due to his previous life, are also not clear how. Muqiong: You and your father spoken of his private life? Sueko: said, I asked him, you find so many women, twenty or thirty, that no one line of it? He frowned and said, will not work. I want to say more, he is still frowned, then waved and said, do not tell me this.
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