The truth will set us free. And also make us mad for not knowing it beforehand.

“What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you.” That’s what they say. I think they should amend this to “What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you until you find out what it is that you haven’t been knowing.”
Maybe I’m not the best one to go around amending quotations.
“To err is human. And also something everyone does.”
“To be or not to be. That is the question a lot of people ask when they’re high.”

Well, whatever. The first one is in definite need of amendment even though they said it and they are always right. But they haven’t been singing Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ on a bus full of Girl Scouts when the entire troop turns around and laughs.
What I didn’t know was that the lyrics happen to be ‘We are a part of a Rhythm Nation’ instead of ‘We are a part of a big erection.’
Oh.

I didn’t know the truth.
I’d seen the cassette cover, but my ears heard what they heard.
I’m still not sure that, at eight years old, I really understood everything about erections. All I did know was that Janet and her crew of hot ladies got into some warehouse and wore slutty costumes while they sweat and danced in order to give some mysterious guy a huge erection.
I mean, it actually does make sense.
And if that’s what you know, then it’s what you know. Until you learn something different.

Sometimes you imagine something to be a certain way. And so it is. And it’s not until you venture out that you learn what’s really ‘true.’ Like to a new school. Or a friend’s house. That’s where I had one of my other very early revelations: Melissa’s house. In my abode, I learned that it’s normal to head on to bed without underwear. I just figured it was something people did the world over. It was a truth. Just like the big erection. Just like: all kids eat frozen fish sticks, dads only visit on weekends, and being on a diet is a natural part of being a mother.

But at Melissa’s house, the truths were flipped. Her mom drank regular Coke, her dad lived in her house all week long, she had no fish sticks in sight, and when I woke up on top of the sleeping bag in the living room with my T-shirt flipped to expose my tiny vagina and her brother staring at me from the hallway, I felt like something was amiss.

That’s when I figured that some things I learned to be true just aren’t. Not everyone in the world sleeps with their crotches to the sky. And if they do, they don’t do it during slumber parties.
And there was another truth that was staring at me and I didn’t even see it. Well, I saw it. I just didn’t see it because it didn’t go along with the truth I learned. Like many people, I learned that men like women and women like men and that’s how it is. So I just thought my dad had a really good friend with whom he lived and shared a bed. Yes, they cooked together. Yes, their hands occasionally brushed over one another at the dinner table. But they were just friends because I was six and had NO idea that the truth I learned about love wasn’t the only one. This went on for years. Because if you learn something one way, it’s so so hard to convince your mind there really is another way. Not even leather vests or rainbow flags can give it away.

Nope. Seriously didn’t know. Even after professional portrait time.
(I’m the one with inappropriate headband use)
(note: aren’t gay dads cute?)

The truth is right in front of us, but our brains won’t allow us to see it. I think this is what M. Night Shyamalan has been trying to teach us for years. I think we got it with that one movie though. Hey Shyamalan, We’re good. We get it.

What else are we not seeing before our eyes? What about Earth? First we learned it was flat. Then we learned it was round. Really, it’s a piece of debris in a large abandoned warehouse in some universe that none of us can comprehend. Some weird alien types filmed a music video there, gave some guy a huge erection, and accidentally dropped Earth in the corner. And all we self-important humans are just flecks of dust on this neglected warehouse Earth. The sun is really a neon light that flicks on by timer in a neighboring warehouse. Since Earth is so small, our time goes by more quickly while it’s really been only a few weeks in the other realm. And there’s a sign up on the wall in this abandoned warehouse that says ‘demolition 2012.’ The Mayans saw it, and simply put it in their calendar. So in actuality, they aren’t super smart. They just have really great vision.

I’m feeling Twilight-ish series potential in this story.
Shyamalan: this could be your new thing.

The good news is that, if we try hard enough, we can control our minds to believe whatever ‘truth’ we wish, and so I’m suggesting we all decide to believe that we’re happy. And that the moment we die everything becomes super fun. Oh, and can we finally all believe that everyone is equal? Please? Let’s all just believe in those truths together, and life will be grand. Oh, and that Laurenne is really skinny and has very clear skin and is always right. Definite truths. Start believing RIGHT NOW.

Ok, off to go ride a unicorn. It’s not a Toyota Scion. I truly believe it’s a unicorn.